Will you hold the flashlight?

~ msgracefulnot

So Yeah, I’m in a really dark place right now…. I chuckle as I say that because I think it almost goes without saying if you have talked with me recently, or read anything that I have written in the last month or so.

So now what?  What’s next?  What’s the plan?  How do I fix this?

I’m gonna stay right here for a little while and just be.  I am going to let myself FEEL each emotion GOOD, BAD, or UGLY and NOT judge them.  I am also not going to give myself a time limit on this.

I have mentioned before that I don’t “do feelings” well.  When I ‘mention’ it though, I say it offhandedly or in a joking matter, as I immediately begin looking for the next task or chore I am supposed to complete. (anything that I can do to “get out of my head”)

Over the last couple months, I have tried eating, drinking too much, smoking more, taking xanax and sleeping as much as possible.  If you have tried these things you know that they don’t really help, and are a temporary fix at best.  In fact, usually as in my case, they cause more problems.

So for now, I’m done running.  I need to sit in the dark a bit and just be, without a time limit.  I am, however, asking for someone to ‘hold the flashlight’ as I let my eyes adjust to the darkness that I have let consume me.

As I get ready to hit enter, I am acknowledging that I feel Fear.  I also feel vulnerable, and kind of weak at the moment.  I know these feelings will pass, but they are there.

Published by msgracefulnot

So hard when someone says tell me about yourself...what do you want to know?

38 thoughts on “Will you hold the flashlight?”

  3. Hold on tight. 💕 Something I find helpful is writing down things like – this too shall pass & the good things about feelings is that they change – and then pinning them up near me so I can see them. Because a) they’re true and b) they’re true. Oh and from what I’ve read there’s this weird three consecutive super moon thing going on right now, it should let up mid August and we will all be freed from this angst. From what Ive seen on social media it seems like it’s true, so many people are going through the ringer health and emotion wise. You’ve been through too much it sounds like. Sending wishes of quickly passing yucky feelings. 🌸

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  7. It’s good that you’re chuckling as you talk about being in a dark place. You’re not just feeling lots of feelings; you’re feeling them at the same time. You’re multitasking. And a little laughter can add a little light, although I’ll see if I can find a searchlight and turn it your way.

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  10. You expected this, natural really, after all the turmoil and heartbreak you just went through. This is not the easy part… you go ahead and take your time, grieve and feel it, it is not going to take you down, I got you! It is going to hurt like hell and that’s OK too. I have a flashlight on you! ~Kim xoxo

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  12. Sometimes sitting with it, facing it, is the very best thing to do for yourself. I am here with a flashlight at all hours and sending so much love your way. I know how hard it was for you to write this and to post it; you are so brave, Grace!

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    1. TY Susan! Would you believe that at 44 years old, I still don’t know how to be at peace with my feelings? I swear I do everything in my power to avoid them. I appreciate your being there, more than you know

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      1. Sometimes our feelings won’t allow us to be at peace. I am 49 Grace, and still trying to figure it all out. I think it is a lifetime kind of thing, but you are on the path and living and loving and doing the best you can, which is all any of us can do. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, for just a moment. You are so brave and amazing and awesome!

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      2. I’m reading a book right now called, Feel the Fear and do it anyway. The author talks about positive affirmations. Today I am going to work on seeing myself through your eyes…Thank you for the incredible compliment!

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  14. I spend a lot of time in there Grace, and I promise you, though it’s dark it’s also beautiful. Be scared, but also curious. You are going to discover many things, and they might even change you. I am here, holding a flashlight, so you can find your way and know you are not alone. Because you’re not. Takes a whole lot of courage to face the pain and sit with it. You got this. Lots of love. xo​

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  15. Just remember, Grace, as Aerosmith once said: “That light at the end of the tunnel … just might be you.” Take all the time you need, sister, but hurry up. I’m always a little anxious for the happiness of others. 😉

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  16. Hope all the beautiful words above and caring comments help you sit in warmth. Eat, drink, medicate, otherwise I think just ‘being’ sounds like a a bloody good plan. I’m gonna get my flashlight out too 😊

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  18. Accepting that you’re in a dark place & not running or trying to avoid it is so hard to do, and you’ve been incredibly brave for doing it and for posting how you’re feeling here. Flashlight is at the ready!
    I wish I could say or do something to make this time easier for you, but please know that this will get easier & things will get brighter in time. Riding out the super tough parts like you’re going through now is so hard, but you will have done it before and you can do it again. Totally in your own time. Your own rules. Sending love your way ♥♥♥♥
    Caz x

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