Month: January 2022

A post a Day APAD Day Six… Not knowing is the worst

~ msgracefulnot ~ 2 Comments

Surgery Day

I’m sitting in the preop room with Thing Two. It’s been a long time since I felt like I had all the answers when my children come to me with questions or for advice. To be honest, they are both smarter and stronger than I am. I’m okay with that. Even glad for it!

I THOUGHT I was going to be a nervous wreck waiting for her to go into surgery, but at the moment, I’m feeling very calm. While we were driving to the hospital this morning, I had the answer (from experience) for every question that she asked me. I even remembered to warn her that 15 different people were going to ask her her name, date of birth, what she was having done today, and who was doing it. I use the word WARN because I can remember coming in for a previous surgery and feeling uncomfortable that everyone kept asking me. I went down the Rabbit hole of if you don’t know my name by now, are you gonna do the right surgery when I’m unconscious? I was scared and had so many questions. I felt like I calmed and prepared her.

The first nurse that came in the room was incredible. My ego is a little inflated because I had already told Thing Two almost everything that she was covering. (We even had the eye to eye conversation of “I’ve got this!”) Once Leslie, the nurse was done going over the first round of information though it dawned on me that I didn’t know what to expect from this side of the bed. When you are having surgery, from the time that they put you to sleep to the time you wake up feels like 10 minutes. I honestly had no Idea that it could span several hours. I also didn’t know where I was supposed to go, if I could/ or should leave, how the doctor would find me etc.

Another nurse gave me a patient number and explained that I could monitor her status throughout the entire procedure via a television screen in the waiting room. She told me that the first 30 minutes in the OR would be a review, making sure everyone was on the same page and knew what was expected of them during this particular surgery. The surgery could take between 2 to 4 hours and recovery was usually 1-3 hours.

Everything went well

It’s after 8 pm here, and my day started at 7. I’m exhausted mentally and physically. I have my last day of Physical Therapy tomorrow, followed immediately by an appointment to be fitted for an AFO for my right foot. After that I am headed to stay with Thing Two for a couple hours to make sure she eats, pain meds etc. Maybe I curl up in her bed with her like she did mine when she was a little one?

A Post a Day… APAD….Day Five …Just the facts

~ msgracefulnot ~ 3 Comments

I woke up still tired this morning. (Even though I had gotten 8 hours of sleep the night before.) While I didn’t have a bad day today, I knew it was going to be long and it was. So all I have left to give tonight is just the facts.

I went to PT for an hour this morning. Afterwards, I immediately drove to pick up my parents in almost white out conditions. I had to take my Dad, which means both my parents, 2 hours into the city for an eye specialist appointment. Fortunately once we left the country visibility was much better in the city, but it was still cold AF. I hate winter….smh

We were going to be early so we stopped at Burger King to grab something quick. It was disgusting. I do like Burger King usually, though I don’t eat there much, but today…ugh. Different restaurant or the fact that I haven’t smoked for 4 days I’m not sure but again UGH.

We got to the Doctor’s office and I realized that I left my mask in MY car…. oppps. I tucked my face under my shirt and went in to ask if they had one. Debbie, the receptionist, ( yes we are on a first name basis now) handed me a mask while advising me that COVID guidelines had changed again….. Surprised? (I’m not, not even a little)…. Ok, What’s the deal today?” I asked. I was told that the waiting room was only open to patients. My dad could come in and sit, but my mother and I would have to wait in the hall or our car. Once they were done with all his testing though, they wanted me to come back in while he was speaking with the doctor…… :/ I answered, “Okay, call me when you are ready and I will come back”. BUT I THOUGHT…… “seriously I should sit in the hallway where 1000 people are going to have to walk right by me instead of a waiting room?!?!?!?” and I can come in to go a much smaller room with more people when the doctor is ready?!?!? How do people come up with this shit? I went out and relayed the info to my parents and my dad went in himself.

While I waited in the car with my mom for over an hour, I worried that when my youngest, Thing Two, has surgery tomorrow they might not let me in with her. Oh Fuck, I promised I would not leave her alone. This is her first time having surgery, while I have had over 50 of them, and she is scared shitless. Yes I said over 50. I stopped counting then. I called the hospital that she is having surgery at and they assured me that I will be able to come in with her. Ok. YAY!

I am really really trying not to worry about tomorrow, but believe it or not I would rather be the one on the table than to have to worry that something went wrong while she is under. My dog was spayed last week and the 5 hours between the time I dropped her off and got the call that everything went ok were pure hell.

Debbie called and said they were ready for me to come in. I did. They weren’t. They had me sit in the waiting room (yes the one I couldn’t be in an hour ago) with my Dad for 30 minutes until the doctor was ready. SMH

We met with the doctor for 30 minutes, made appointments for more testing and then started to 2 hour drive home. By the time I got home, I was exhausted. I was met at the door by Einstein and both dogs. All of them started barking at me and demanding my attention. I have nothing left to give. I made a quick dinner, played with the dogs for 20 minutes, and tried to listen to Einstein tell me about his last day of work. I’m exhausted. I’m actually ready for bed, but won’t make it there for a few more hours I’m sure. and I’m also sure that I will wake up tired tomorrow and do it all again. Odds are 50/50 that covid guidelines will have changed again by the morning. It may be an adventure…who knows?

A post a Day APAD Day Four Are you Ready?

~ msgracefulnot ~ 6 Comments

Are you ever REALLY ready?

Honestly, I don’t think I am ever “ready”. What the hell does being ready even mean? I get an idea, (like writing a post a day), TRY to do some planning to make my chances of success better, and then I just jump into it. If I waited for things to be perfect, or allowed myself to listen to the list of things that COULD go wrong that is always swimming in my Brain I would be never get anything done.

I am dying to share pictures of my German Shepherds. I had this great plan to write a post introducing them to you. Every day they make me laugh, play, move, and sometimes want to scream. As I started writing though I was consumed with Guilt. I felt guilty that I never told you that D.O.G died. I wrote about the loss of Snuff, but I never wrote about losing D.O.G. Then I felt like I was betraying her memory because I have allowed myself to care so much about my current German Shepherds.

I spent the rest of the day convincing myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I did love D.O.G., so much that the pain I felt when she passed paralyzed me. I didn’t get out of bed for days. I couldn’t get another dog because I FELT like I would be trying to replace her. There is no replacing D.O.G. I know that in my heart. I will try to write about Kitt and Lady (my current shepherds) this week, but not until I have written a Tribute to D.O.G.

Best laid plans huh?

A post a day APAD Day Three

~ msgracefulnot ~ 12 Comments

Have you ever heard the expression that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one? The same goes for excuses. For the past several months I have attempted to “make a comeback” on wordpress, only to feel overwhelmed and close the program feeling defeated. In the past, all of my posts have had tags, and pictures. I even attempted to be grammatically correct when I wrote. I am literally sitting here right now SMH thinking I don’t have time for all that.

When I tell a story I always struggle with where to start. You’re probably thinking “start at the beginning dumbass”. Where is the beginning though? For example, when I talk about Einstein. Do I talk about meeting him when I was 15 years old and falling head over heels in love at first sight? Or do I summarize the last 30+ years by saying he is the one I love to hate? When I talk about my family, what am I “allowed” to talk about? What am I allowed to share? When I talk about MS do I have to repeat 1000 times that I am talking about MY experience only and that everyone is different or can I assume that someone knows that?

All of these questions are my excuses for not writing.

After a few beers on New Year’s Eve, (yay for liquid courage) I finally decided to just jump in. ( I do that a lot by the way….just jump in)

Several years ago, I read the words, “If your life was a novel, would anyone want to read it”. I wonder about that all the time. Is my story a good story? If I wrote a book about myself would it be a comedy or a tragedy? To be honest, I’m not sure what people would think. Let’s find out shall we?

This week I would like to spend some time talking about the “characters” in my story. (Yay I found a place to start)

A post a day or APAD Day Two

~ msgracefulnot ~ 3 Comments

Part of the reason I stopped writing almost a year ago was because I didn’t feel like I had the time. Alone time that is. Technically I own my own house, (well the bank does for another 10 years) but I spend the least amount of time there. I feel like I spend more time in my car than anywhere else. Also a lot of time at doctors and on airplanes. More on that later though.

I don’t “work” ( well I don’t have a paying job) even though I work my ass off everyday. I am sure I will be writing more about that in this “series” as well.

My children are grown, (if you don’t count my 2 German Shepherds that are under two years) or my 72 year old parents that have recently moved out by me so that I could help take care of them. I am Positive that I will be writing about them too.

Overall I have many things in life to be grateful for. Unfortunately, I always feel so rushed that I often forget to enjoy them. Hence the purpose of this “series”. Over the last year I have forgotten who Grace is. I know that I am a mother, a grandmother, a caretaker, a friend etc. and I think I am pretty good at all of those things. Except for when it comes to myself. I am not very friendly to myself. I don’t take care of myself, and the only way I mother myself is by nagging at myself.

When I began this blog 100 years ago, I told myself I was doing it to help other people. I wanted to share my coping tips. I wanted to tell people that felt lonely that they were not alone. At least that’s what I told myself. While I may have done some of that, writing in Msgracefulnot.com instead allowed me to feel like I was part of something. A tribe, a community etc. I developed many friendships that helped me in more ways than I could ever explain. and then I stopped. I hid.

As I pick up the pen again (so to speak) I know that this time I am writing for me. While at the same time I am looking for connection, I am also writing to escape. I feel like I sound very contradictory. Maybe as I write more I can sort some of that out?