I would tell you to grab a bowl of popcorn before reading my latest drama, but if you are anything like me, you would choke on it from laughing too much. I would suggest kleenex if you’re the sympathetic type, but to be honest I have done enough crying for all of us in the past few days. Instead, I ask that you find humor in my latest WTF story. If you’re willing to, please share one of your wtf’s with me. I could really use a laugh.
I mentioned briefly in my last post, It’s certainly been a minute huh?, that I had been taking more of the caretaker role lately and that although I had had a couple more falls, they really hadn’t been anything out of the norm. For some reason my brain translated this information into, “You should go big or go home Grace”, or “let’s really create some damage”. As it happens, I now have quite the story of my own to tell…..SMH
Where to begin though……….
In the middle! Let’s jump right in the middle.
So hey guess what…. I’m not pregnant!!!!! Yay me?
I’m actually kind of sad about that, not because I want anymore children, but because after the lawsuit or news stories, I would be as rich as midas. Are you confused yet? So am I. Maybe this story would be better told with less sarcasm? Let’s go back to December 4, 2019.
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
I am sitting up on a hospital bed answering the 1000 pre op questions I have been asked before, like it’s just another day. ( After more than 50 surgeries, it does feel just like any other day).
Nurse: I’m going to need a urine sample, and then we will get your IV started.
Grace: For a pregnancy test? No need, I had a hysterectomy over 15 years ago.
Nurse: Was it a total hysterectomy? I mean did they remove your ovaries also.
Grace: Um no but……
Nurse: Then we still need to do the test. While the chances are like 1 in a million, it can still happen.
As I am thinking, “Have you met me?!?!?!? I am the queen of being 1 in a million”, it dawns on me that next Friday is Friday the 13th, and I start to feel sick. Not because I am superstitious, but because I have two children. I found out I was pregnant with both of them on Friday, December 13th. ( 1990 and 1996)
It really doesn’t matter that multiple nurses blew my veins multiple times trying to start an IV. (I have a port for that reason) It doesn’t matter that the anesthesia they were trying to use didn’t knock me out for 15 mins. (Burned like hell, but wouldn’t put me out) It doesn’t even matter that although the doctor was able to repair a lot of the damage in my knee, I am still going to need a partial knee replacement…..
At least I wasn’t pregnant. SMH
Want to take a break and come back in a minute? Believe it or not, I’m not even halfway done with this WTF story.
I spent the rest of the week in bed with my knee above my head attached to an ice machine. I was able to walk (slowly) within a couple days and the pain was minimal. I was even able to drive to Einstein’s within the week.
Friday the 13th came and went. I am still not pregnant!!! So life is good right?
HA HA HA HA
Saturday, Friday the 14th
Maybe I am a little superstitious, but not about the 13th. I have had several bad experiences on Saturday the 14th (any month) that have even included being arrested. Yes I have been arrested before, but that’s a whole different story, which ironically does have to do with me getting pregnant. :O Let’s stick with this Saturday the 14th though.
I am leaving the kitchen at Einstein’s and I kick or trip over the 1 inch lip at the bottom of the dog gate. Oh Fuck, I know I am going down…. NOT MY KNEE NOT MY KNEE!!!!!!
The good news….. I didn’t land on my knee.
The not so good news ……I can’t get up.
While going to get my wheelchair from the other room, Einstein jokes, “why did you put this away already?” NOT FUNNY! I am in so much pain, I start to cry. I really can’t stand up. Einstein had to pick me up to put my in the chair.
High Ho, High Ho, off to the doctor we go……. smh
Before scrolling down, care to guess the diagnosis?
While waiting for the xrays to come back, I am imagining the worst.
Did I fuck up last years surgery on this foot?
(You know the one where they put a plate and screws in my right foot?)
Earlier this year, I fell while holding my grandson and broke the lag bolt while trying not to hurt him…
BREAKER OF TITANIUM….
not quite as cool as Mother of Dragons, but applicable nonetheless.
Ready for the verdict?
I broke the 3rd and 4th metatarsals. (the long bones in the middle of your foot) I don’t remember the terminology “the breaks appear to be clean”. With luck I am in a non weight bearing cast for a couple of months and that is it. I see the orthopedic doctor on Thursday to see if the swelling has gone down enough for a hard cast and hear his opinion about surgery.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I am truly feeling that if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all. But hey at least I’m not pregnant?