Merry Christmas- Hugs, Coffee, and Bailey’s for EVERYONE!

After I made my Thanksgiving terrible this year, I decided to not to make any plans for Christmas. Literally NO PLANS! 😀

DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME, because I don’t.

I am having an incredible, much needed relaxing yet productive day.

I woke up this morning after a great night’s sleep, grabbed my first cup of coffee (YAH I remembered to set the coffee maker up last night), opened the blinds and saw SNOW!!!  I just stood there and smiled for a moment.  I honestly have NO IDEA why I always hope for snow for Christmas, but I do.  I drank my entire cup of coffee, just standing there feeling great.  YAH snow for Christmas!!!

As I enjoyed my second and third cups of coffee in MY PAJAMAS, I received and responded to a few “Merry Christmas” texts and sent a few of my own.  I rambled out a bit of a blog post and filed it for later. Somehow the dishes are done, laundry is done, house is cleaned, bills are paid.  (I know that I am the one did everything, but it wasn’t stressful.)  I didn’t have 20 places to be at the same time or a strict schedule to follow, I just let it happen.

After being up for a few hours, I realized that I had forgotten to pick up cigarettes and would be out by tomorrow.  😦  ugh going out on Christmas eve, having to DRIVE in the snow 😦 and 😦…. doesn’t matter I GOT THIS!!  Already armed with the knowledge that there were going to be idiot drivers in a hurry, and pushy people in the the stores, I donned my lightweight “dealing with people armor”, put a smile on my face, and headed out the door.

As I backed out of the driveway, my NO TRACTION light came on in my car…shrug…. STAY FOCUSED…… get your cigarettes and you can go back home!!!!  The drive to the gas station was just a drive ( actually there were 3 people in the ditch already, but that’s really nothing new).  I stood in line to purchase my cigarettes, exchanged pleasantries with the cashier, and when the woman behind me in line started bitching about the line I turned around and HUGGED her.  I looked her in the eyes, and told her to be careful while driving today, and that I hope she had a great day.

I don’t think she responded to me in any way, if she did, I don’t care.  I wasn’t giving anyone the power to make this a bad day for me.

As I drove home, my car fishtailed a bit and I embraced it.  I even did it purposely a couple of times just because I could.

I am home now.  I plan to spend the rest of the day UNPLANNED.  I am wearing my favorite Tshirt.  I have coffee and cigarettes….and um I also grabbed a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Creme while I was out 😉 The music is on and I am passive aggressively subjecting Einstein to my playlist.  (Not my fault he chose to stay home on Christmas as well).

I wish everyone a Happy Holiday.  If you do have to deal with snow, people etc, please be safe.  I’m sure I will have some kind of “adventure” to write about soon.

HUGS, Coffee, and Bailey’s for EVERYONE!

12 Days of Christmas … in my world

It all started with, “Are you ready for Christmas?”  My brain went into overdrive and again I was paralyzed by too many thoughts at once.    The things I LOVE about Christmas are the same things I HATE about Christmas.

I’m going try to make this a “12 of the same things I love and hate about Christmas thing”  in the spirit of the 12 Days of Christmas Song.  So here goes my Brain Dump.

The First Day of Christmas

I Love that people TRY to be kind to or to do things for others that they don’t normally take the time to do.  Many people get in the “spirit” of volunteering.  I Love the Spirit of Christmas, but I hate that it only happens one day a year.  Why aren’t people nice to other people every day?  Why don’t people have that SPIRIT EVERY SINGLE DAY?!?!?

The Second Day of Christmas

Gift giving. When I was younger, I used to love giving gifts.  As a child, I loved making those horrible little crafts for my parents and friends.  Once I got a job, I was happy to be able to purchase things for my friends and parents that they would not normally have spent the time or money on for themselves.  Then I had children.  I loved the joy they had looking at all the presents under the tree, thinking that for at least one moment in their lives I was able to make everything perfect.  Not because I had spent $100’s of dollars, they would have been happy with just a box at that age.  Then the hate part kicked in.  Somehow gift giving became a requirement and/or stressful.  The gifts became more expensive and then the kids just wanted gift cards or money.  My parents on the other hand wouldn’t let me buy them presents.  They started saying sensible shit like, “I have everything I need”, or “What we would really like is more time with you”.  Damn parents always raising that “How to be a good person bar”….grrrrrr

The Third Day of Christmas

The other side of the coin.  The negative nelly’s come out of the woodwork.  Comments like, “Seriously, you’re putting up your tree in October” start appearing all over social media.  If you have done that, do me a favor and ask yourself “Why do you care?”  Are you angry that someone is excited and wants to celebrate?  Don’t get me wrong, I have thought that October is maybe a bit early, but that is MY OPINION. I don’t go slamming people on Facebook about it.  YAH YOU!!!!  In reality, I wish people had a reason to be happy everyday, so I will just be happy for you that putting up your tree in October makes you happy.

The Fourth Day of Christmas

Family Time.  I love spending time with my family. I love that some companies give their employees time off to spend time with their families.  I HATE that some people don’t have a family to spend time with, and that they only time some people are able to make the time to see their families is on Christmas.

The Fifth Day of Christmas

I HATE that I won’t be able to spend Christmas with my grandmother this year.  She was my favorite person in the entire world.  (even smarter than my parents 😉 )  I miss her everyday.  I LOVE that I had such an incredible person in my life, and that I have so many wonderful memories with her.  I even loved that she called me “Awwwsshhhluck”.  I have no idea how to spell that or what it actually means, but she thought it meant “shithead” or troublemaker in German, so I will stick with that.

The Sixth Day of Christmas

This is a lot of work, I don’t think I am going to continue counting days.  Before I climb off my soapbox though, I have a favor to ask of anyone reading this.  Please remember that everyone is different and has their own experiences with the holidays, some good some bad.  If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything please.  In return, I am offering everyone a gift of my time.  If you are feeling sad or lonely, or just need to vent give me a shout out.  I hope everyone enjoys their Holidays!  Again, if you are struggling I am here.  I can’t promise to fix it, but you won’t be alone. …



Why I had a TERRIBLE Thanksgiving day

When you are sad, or in pain it is so easy to crawl back into bed, to feel like throwing in the towel, and to just give up.  In an effort to SHOW UP and “put on my big girl panties”, I am here.  I am processing, feeling, and writing.

Let me begin by saying that I HATE THANKSGIVING.  Not because I am not thankful for many things.  In fact, I remind myself everyday that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I hate thanksgiving because I have so many bad memories that occurred on that day.  So every year I tell myself that THIS YEAR will be the one.   I put so much weight on making ONE DAY perfect.  Can you say setting yourself up for failure?

What I hoped would happen on Thanksgiving:

A month ago it was decided that my family would be having Thanksgiving at my parents home which is about an hour away from me.  My daughters, myself, Einstein, my brother, his girlfriend, my parents etc would all be there. (12 in total).  Everyone is so busy in their day to day lives that I was so excited that we would all be together and able to “catch up”.  I told everyone that I would handle the planning, the menu, the times etc.  Because I wanted it to be PERFECT.  Everyone was on board to let me “handle it”.texting

As I planned, it also occurred to me that with my kids getting older and having their own homes, my oldest daughter getting married, my mother having dementia, all of us still living within an hour of each other, and just life in general, this may be the last chance I have to make the perfect day.  The desire to “hold on to my kids” became as important to me as having oxygen to breathe. I couldn’t very well ask them to not spend it with their significant others, but maybe I could have some “alone time with them” in the morning if we all drove out together.  driving

So for the last month I planned the menu, making sure each person had their “favorite, must have on Thanksgiving food”. I made a carpool plan so that smokers could ride with smokers, those that wanted to show up only for food could get out quick, and I could have that “alone time with my  girls”. I even scheduled time so that everyone’s animals would be alone for the least amount of time.  I DREW A FRICKING DIAGRAM!

A week before Thanksgiving I confirmed all of my OCD thoughts with everyone.  I was so excited!  I even made a post that I was turning off all social media and I did!

Thanksgiving morning I was higher than cloud nine.  Literally so manic I don’t think my feet touched the floor once.  Yah! FINALLY A PERFECT THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Ten minutes before my youngest was supposed to pick me up, Einstein said “I’m not going, I have things that need to be done here, and it’s a minimum four hours wasted”.  NOW, I can tell you what it feels like to be dropped out of a plane WITHOUT a parachute.

I felt the whole plan unraveling.  Now everyone was going to be upset that their plans were changed.  My parents were going to give me the, “we told you Einstein is a waste of time lecture”.  The dogs would be left alone…etc etc etc.. I was crushed, I couldn’t breathe, and the amount of tears I cried would have filled a river.  OH shit, my daughter would be here in just a few minutes.  I didn’t want her to see me like this.  I didn’t have time to kill Einstein and hide his body either.

So into the bathroom I went.  I tried to clean up my face as quickly as possible, but I was still in there when my daughter arrived.  She gave me a hug, and helped wipe my face.  She said, “Einstein isn’t going?”  I mumbled something incoherent, and she took my hand, led me to the door.  I think she may have even put on my coat for me.  While I was in my “fog”, she took control, made phone calls, rearranged things, and made sure that we showed up at my parents in one piece.

I spent the entire day in that fog.  I smiled when I was supposed to, said “Oh I’m fine, and I’m sorry at the appropriate times, but I wasn’t there.  I told everyone I that I didn’t want to talk about it, let’s just have a good day.  But yes I wasn’t there.  I didn’t get my alone time with my daughters.  It wasn’t the perfect day.  In fact, I have spent the last several days just going through the motions lost in my own fog.

Now that some time has past, and the fog has cleared a little.  I realize that I did it to myself.  I set myself up for failure.  I forgot to be thankful for all of the things I am thankful for every day and I only focused on the negative.  I let one person’s decision ruin something that I had worked so hard for.

I haven’t really talked about this with anyone, other than saying I had a blah thanksgiving, but when another person asked me this morning how my Thanksgiving was, I decided it was time to Wake the hell up, get up and show up.  (Thank you for that by the way and to everyone else who offered to talk when I said I had had a terrible day)

I am both Thankful and sorry today.  I am thankful that I have so many great people in my life that care about me.  I am thankful that although my kids are growing up, they are incredibly strong and caring individuals.  ( But I am also sorry that having a bipolar mother made them that way) I’m thankful that both of my parents are still alive.

When I began writing today, I did it in word, not sure whether I was just “getting it out there” or if I would be posting.  I decided to post, because I want to “keep it real”.  I’m sure other people set themselves up for failure, maybe you can relate and know that you are not alone.  Today is a new day and I showed up. I am thankful that while still “covered in dirt”, I am still on the right side of it.   Time to shower, get dressed, and work on “owning my own shit”.