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A post a Day APAD Day Four Are you Ready?

~ msgracefulnot ~ 6 Comments

Are you ever REALLY ready?

Honestly, I don’t think I am ever “ready”. What the hell does being ready even mean? I get an idea, (like writing a post a day), TRY to do some planning to make my chances of success better, and then I just jump into it. If I waited for things to be perfect, or allowed myself to listen to the list of things that COULD go wrong that is always swimming in my Brain I would be never get anything done.

I am dying to share pictures of my German Shepherds. I had this great plan to write a post introducing them to you. Every day they make me laugh, play, move, and sometimes want to scream. As I started writing though I was consumed with Guilt. I felt guilty that I never told you that D.O.G died. I wrote about the loss of Snuff, but I never wrote about losing D.O.G. Then I felt like I was betraying her memory because I have allowed myself to care so much about my current German Shepherds.

I spent the rest of the day convincing myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I did love D.O.G., so much that the pain I felt when she passed paralyzed me. I didn’t get out of bed for days. I couldn’t get another dog because I FELT like I would be trying to replace her. There is no replacing D.O.G. I know that in my heart. I will try to write about Kitt and Lady (my current shepherds) this week, but not until I have written a Tribute to D.O.G.

Best laid plans huh?

A post a day APAD Day Three

~ msgracefulnot ~ 12 Comments

Have you ever heard the expression that opinions are like assholes, everyone has one? The same goes for excuses. For the past several months I have attempted to “make a comeback” on wordpress, only to feel overwhelmed and close the program feeling defeated. In the past, all of my posts have had tags, and pictures. I even attempted to be grammatically correct when I wrote. I am literally sitting here right now SMH thinking I don’t have time for all that.

When I tell a story I always struggle with where to start. You’re probably thinking “start at the beginning dumbass”. Where is the beginning though? For example, when I talk about Einstein. Do I talk about meeting him when I was 15 years old and falling head over heels in love at first sight? Or do I summarize the last 30+ years by saying he is the one I love to hate? When I talk about my family, what am I “allowed” to talk about? What am I allowed to share? When I talk about MS do I have to repeat 1000 times that I am talking about MY experience only and that everyone is different or can I assume that someone knows that?

All of these questions are my excuses for not writing.

After a few beers on New Year’s Eve, (yay for liquid courage) I finally decided to just jump in. ( I do that a lot by the way….just jump in)

Several years ago, I read the words, “If your life was a novel, would anyone want to read it”. I wonder about that all the time. Is my story a good story? If I wrote a book about myself would it be a comedy or a tragedy? To be honest, I’m not sure what people would think. Let’s find out shall we?

This week I would like to spend some time talking about the “characters” in my story. (Yay I found a place to start)

A post a day or APAD Day Two

~ msgracefulnot ~ 3 Comments

Part of the reason I stopped writing almost a year ago was because I didn’t feel like I had the time. Alone time that is. Technically I own my own house, (well the bank does for another 10 years) but I spend the least amount of time there. I feel like I spend more time in my car than anywhere else. Also a lot of time at doctors and on airplanes. More on that later though.

I don’t “work” ( well I don’t have a paying job) even though I work my ass off everyday. I am sure I will be writing more about that in this “series” as well.

My children are grown, (if you don’t count my 2 German Shepherds that are under two years) or my 72 year old parents that have recently moved out by me so that I could help take care of them. I am Positive that I will be writing about them too.

Overall I have many things in life to be grateful for. Unfortunately, I always feel so rushed that I often forget to enjoy them. Hence the purpose of this “series”. Over the last year I have forgotten who Grace is. I know that I am a mother, a grandmother, a caretaker, a friend etc. and I think I am pretty good at all of those things. Except for when it comes to myself. I am not very friendly to myself. I don’t take care of myself, and the only way I mother myself is by nagging at myself.

When I began this blog 100 years ago, I told myself I was doing it to help other people. I wanted to share my coping tips. I wanted to tell people that felt lonely that they were not alone. At least that’s what I told myself. While I may have done some of that, writing in Msgracefulnot.com instead allowed me to feel like I was part of something. A tribe, a community etc. I developed many friendships that helped me in more ways than I could ever explain. and then I stopped. I hid.

As I pick up the pen again (so to speak) I know that this time I am writing for me. While at the same time I am looking for connection, I am also writing to escape. I feel like I sound very contradictory. Maybe as I write more I can sort some of that out?

Day One

~ msgracefulnot ~ 8 Comments

Can you tell me why you are here?

Honestly, I’m not sure. I just knew that I couldn’t be THERE.

Are you safe?

You’re going to need to be more specific with that question. I mean at the moment I have absolutely no energy or emotion so a field mouse could kick my ass, but do I think that’s going to happen? No. So I guess I’m safe. Also, I don’t really have to go back, so I guess I am safe there too. The thing I am really struggling with is my own brain. I can not seem to get the would have, could have, and should have’s to stop.

How did you get here?

I drove.

Was that a good idea?


I will not claim that it was a good idea, but it was a better idea than me staying where I was.

Why did you leave?

Because I couldn’t answer the question, why should I stay?

Our Last conversation was:

You’re really leaving because I am playing a porn game?

Yes

Unbelievable!

No comment

When will you be bringing the dogs back?

I will drop them off on Tuesday.

Well why don’t you just wait until Thursday?!

Shrug/ Ok.

(It took me several trips to get this weeks things loaded into my car. Another couple to load the dogs, and the microwave dinner I had just finished nuking. But that was it. A few trips, no more words, no tears, no regrets. just a deep breath and a few steps.)

Why are you getting up? Where are you going?

  1. Because I don’t really know. and 2. Well, I guess the answer is kind of the same.

What’s next? I really don’t know.