Tag: bipolar

Please tell me “It’s OK to be NOT OKAY”

~ msgracefulnot ~ 7 Comments

I’m going through something right now that I find very hard to explain, and I don’t understand why it’s happening to me.  So I’m telling myself that it is OK to not be “OK” while I work on figuring it out.  I don’t know if there is a clinical term for it, and to be honest I don’t want another label.  I just really want it to be OK.

Over the last few months, I have developed a few “obsessions” for lack of a better word, and I am overthinking everything.

I NEED the people in my life (this seems to include EVERYONE that has shown me ANY form of kindness) to know that I appreciate them.

Some examples:

I have a very difficult time walking.  Someone takes the time to not only hold the door for me, but waits for me to drag myself through it.  I want to kiss them, hug them, buy them coffee to THANK THEM for their kindness.  (I usually only smile and say thank you for fear that they will call the white coats to have me committed if I showed any more gratitude.)

The other day I read a blog post that I thought was very motivational and included some great advice for me.  I wanted to share it with everyone, because maybe it was the “magic answer”.  Then I got worried that she would think I was “stealing her stuff” if I shared it, so I had to message her and ask if it was ok and how to share it without stealing her words.  I worry that she thinks I am the biggest nut case out there, because I’m sure I over-thanked her for her kindness.

Another blogger shared some tips with me about backing up my wordpress site, and I wanted to “repay” the kindness so I offered to like her blog, instagram, twitter, and anything else I could do to say thank you and maybe drive some traffic her way.  Then I worried, I must appear like a stalker and felt the need to explain myself.

Yes, I realize that logically a simple “thank you” should be enough, but for some reason right now it isn’t.

“They” say the first step in dealing with a problem, is realizing that you have a problem.  I get it, ok, so what exactly is the problem.  I’m too nice?  I care too much? I’m obsessive? I want to be a good person.  I am having trouble identifying just one problem.  And I have  even less of a clue on how to fix it/them.

Then I worry that people think, “seriously, you call that a problem?”  I realize there are much bigger problems in the world, and I should be grateful that this is currently my biggest problem.  But it is consuming me.  I am literally getting migraines from overthinking.  I can feel myself causing my MS to flare and I need to stop worrying and obsessing.

I still can’t identify the actual problem.  Overthinking and being obsessive are only “symptoms”.

Other contributing factors:

  • My best friend just went through several major surgeries and I was unable to talk to or see him for almost a month (long story)
  • my oldest daughter is getting married, and while this is a great and healthy thing I feel like I am losing another best friend ( I was a single parent for most of her life and we have a gilmore girls kind of relationship)
  • my youngest daughter is super busy making her IMPRESSION on the world and quite honestly doesn’t have time for my “neediness” while she conquers mountains.  (she shouldn’t have to take care of her mother)
  • I am “single” but in a relationship (you know the on again off again kind)

Maybe that’s it.  Maybe I am searching for something, or someone while I try to find myself.  Did I mention I really don’t know WHAT my problem is?  I just know that I have one and I really really need to hear that “IT’S OK, TO NOT BE OK” while I figure it out.

#itsoktonotbeokay

 

Why I had a TERRIBLE Thanksgiving day

~ msgracefulnot ~ 7 Comments

When you are sad, or in pain it is so easy to crawl back into bed, to feel like throwing in the towel, and to just give up.  In an effort to SHOW UP and “put on my big girl panties”, I am here.  I am processing, feeling, and writing.

Let me begin by saying that I HATE THANKSGIVING.  Not because I am not thankful for many things.  In fact, I remind myself everyday that I have a lot to be thankful for.  I hate thanksgiving because I have so many bad memories that occurred on that day.  So every year I tell myself that THIS YEAR will be the one.   I put so much weight on making ONE DAY perfect.  Can you say setting yourself up for failure?

What I hoped would happen on Thanksgiving:

A month ago it was decided that my family would be having Thanksgiving at my parents home which is about an hour away from me.  My daughters, myself, Einstein, my brother, his girlfriend, my parents etc would all be there. (12 in total).  Everyone is so busy in their day to day lives that I was so excited that we would all be together and able to “catch up”.  I told everyone that I would handle the planning, the menu, the times etc.  Because I wanted it to be PERFECT.  Everyone was on board to let me “handle it”.texting

As I planned, it also occurred to me that with my kids getting older and having their own homes, my oldest daughter getting married, my mother having dementia, all of us still living within an hour of each other, and just life in general, this may be the last chance I have to make the perfect day.  The desire to “hold on to my kids” became as important to me as having oxygen to breathe. I couldn’t very well ask them to not spend it with their significant others, but maybe I could have some “alone time with them” in the morning if we all drove out together.  driving

So for the last month I planned the menu, making sure each person had their “favorite, must have on Thanksgiving food”. I made a carpool plan so that smokers could ride with smokers, those that wanted to show up only for food could get out quick, and I could have that “alone time with my  girls”. I even scheduled time so that everyone’s animals would be alone for the least amount of time.  I DREW A FRICKING DIAGRAM!

A week before Thanksgiving I confirmed all of my OCD thoughts with everyone.  I was so excited!  I even made a post that I was turning off all social media and I did!

Thanksgiving morning I was higher than cloud nine.  Literally so manic I don’t think my feet touched the floor once.  Yah! FINALLY A PERFECT THANKSGIVING!!!!!

Ten minutes before my youngest was supposed to pick me up, Einstein said “I’m not going, I have things that need to be done here, and it’s a minimum four hours wasted”.  NOW, I can tell you what it feels like to be dropped out of a plane WITHOUT a parachute.

I felt the whole plan unraveling.  Now everyone was going to be upset that their plans were changed.  My parents were going to give me the, “we told you Einstein is a waste of time lecture”.  The dogs would be left alone…etc etc etc.. I was crushed, I couldn’t breathe, and the amount of tears I cried would have filled a river.  OH shit, my daughter would be here in just a few minutes.  I didn’t want her to see me like this.  I didn’t have time to kill Einstein and hide his body either.

So into the bathroom I went.  I tried to clean up my face as quickly as possible, but I was still in there when my daughter arrived.  She gave me a hug, and helped wipe my face.  She said, “Einstein isn’t going?”  I mumbled something incoherent, and she took my hand, led me to the door.  I think she may have even put on my coat for me.  While I was in my “fog”, she took control, made phone calls, rearranged things, and made sure that we showed up at my parents in one piece.

I spent the entire day in that fog.  I smiled when I was supposed to, said “Oh I’m fine, and I’m sorry at the appropriate times, but I wasn’t there.  I told everyone I that I didn’t want to talk about it, let’s just have a good day.  But yes I wasn’t there.  I didn’t get my alone time with my daughters.  It wasn’t the perfect day.  In fact, I have spent the last several days just going through the motions lost in my own fog.

Now that some time has past, and the fog has cleared a little.  I realize that I did it to myself.  I set myself up for failure.  I forgot to be thankful for all of the things I am thankful for every day and I only focused on the negative.  I let one person’s decision ruin something that I had worked so hard for.

I haven’t really talked about this with anyone, other than saying I had a blah thanksgiving, but when another person asked me this morning how my Thanksgiving was, I decided it was time to Wake the hell up, get up and show up.  (Thank you for that by the way and to everyone else who offered to talk when I said I had had a terrible day)

I am both Thankful and sorry today.  I am thankful that I have so many great people in my life that care about me.  I am thankful that although my kids are growing up, they are incredibly strong and caring individuals.  ( But I am also sorry that having a bipolar mother made them that way) I’m thankful that both of my parents are still alive.

When I began writing today, I did it in word, not sure whether I was just “getting it out there” or if I would be posting.  I decided to post, because I want to “keep it real”.  I’m sure other people set themselves up for failure, maybe you can relate and know that you are not alone.  Today is a new day and I showed up. I am thankful that while still “covered in dirt”, I am still on the right side of it.   Time to shower, get dressed, and work on “owning my own shit”.