Tag: cancer

Where in the hell have you been?

give it all you've got
~ msgracefulnot ~ 9 Comments

It feels like I have been to hell and back, AND I’ve got the scars to prove it. ( I could share a post about the scars alone, but let’s not do that now)

I still laugh when I tell someone that I started a blog about MS several years ago, yet I can’t remember one post I made about MS. ( Ok, I do remember advocating for Tysabri and bladder incontinence treatments, but not much else) If I remember correctly, 80% of what I what I wrote involved aging, empty nest syndrome, traveling, my kids, a bit about my grandkids, and let’s not forget Einstein and all that bullshit.

While I am no longer at my “rock bottom”, I also don’t want to rehash everything that has happened yet. Instead, let me highlight a few of the BIG changes that have been going on (in no particular order)

  • I QUIT SMOKING!!!! Yes the 2 pack a day chain smoker for over 30 years quit smoking. It’s been over a year.
  • I gained 20 lbs from quitting smoking
  • I had a male best friend and a female best friend die. How fucking dare they?!?!? Didn’t they know I needed them?!?!?!?
  • Maybe 10 more lbs gained from that.
  • I had bladder cancer. I had surgery, I had BCG (chemo), was declared cancer free, only to have it come back. REPEAT (I had surgery, I had BCG treatments, and was told, “I don’t see any cancer, but we are going to repeat 1/2 a treatment of BCG for 3 weeks and then repeat a cystoscopy in August.) If they find cancer in August, I will lose my bladder ….. literally. 😦
  • Not only did I have to stop Tysabri, I also had to stop all MS medications. HUGE increase in disability!
  • I have at least 3 more surgeries this year….. blah blah blah

Can I just say, It’s been rough?

I can’t believe I didn’t mention. I FINALLY LEFT EINSTEIN. Left like moved out, no contact, ( other that minimum kid and dog stuff) Not sure which is the bigger accomplishment, quitting smoking or quitting him, but either way, YAY!!!

I also traveled to Seattle, and not only met, but also stayed with a blogger, author, and overall Rockstar that I have admired for several years. I WILL write more about that more in the future……

On that note, I am going to stop typing.

for now

Letter to My Best Friend (Munch)

~ msgracefulnot ~ 5 Comments

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a month since we’ve talked……

Who am I kidding, I talk to you everyday?!!??!

If I really think about it, I guess it also hasn’t been a month since I’ve seen you. I have 1000’s of pictures, both physical ones and all of those images and memories of us and our 30 years of friendship that are burned in my mind.

Hmmm in reality, it hasn’t even been a month since I have heard your voice. (I have never been more thankful for the technology of voicemails and videos!!!!)

SO WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?!?!?!? I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart, yet my heart is so full of you.

FUCK CANCER! Fuck all the pain I watched you endure! Fuck all the pain I still feel!!!!

Well now that the emotional shit is out of the way… ( NOT) We should probably catch up…

Oh wait! I’m mad at you!

I don’t care if it makes any sense!

I’m mad that you aren’t here! I’m mad that my RIDE OR DIE friend DIED! How could you do this to me?!?!?!?

We are supposed to turn 50 next year!!! Remember the party of a lifetime?!?!!? So where the hell are you?!?!?!?

When I opened wordpress today, I had every intention of “catching up with you”. I wanted to tell you that my surgery went ok. The new MS drug hasn’t hurt me, I don’t think…, I finally kicked the crazy bitch out of my house, although she is threatening to sue me…smh, and so many more things, but then the emotions came pouring out.

I’m sorry. I miss you.

I’ve been looking at memorial tattoo idea’s to add to our “eyes in the back of our head” tattoos. I found one that says, “You may be gone from my sight, but you are never gone from my heart.” , which I kind of liked. I also thought about tattooing the last note you wrote me, under the eyeballs. With as emotional as I have been, I know that I need to wait a little longer. Maybe I do that for the big 50?

Rest in Peace my friend!