Will you hold the flashlight?

So Yeah, I’m in a really dark place right now…. I chuckle as I say that because I think it almost goes without saying if you have talked with me recently, or read anything that I have written in the last month or so.

So now what?  What’s next?  What’s the plan?  How do I fix this?

I’m gonna stay right here for a little while and just be.  I am going to let myself FEEL each emotion GOOD, BAD, or UGLY and NOT judge them.  I am also not going to give myself a time limit on this.

I have mentioned before that I don’t “do feelings” well.  When I ‘mention’ it though, I say it offhandedly or in a joking matter, as I immediately begin looking for the next task or chore I am supposed to complete. (anything that I can do to “get out of my head”)

Over the last couple months, I have tried eating, drinking too much, smoking more, taking xanax and sleeping as much as possible.  If you have tried these things you know that they don’t really help, and are a temporary fix at best.  In fact, usually as in my case, they cause more problems.

So for now, I’m done running.  I need to sit in the dark a bit and just be, without a time limit.  I am, however, asking for someone to ‘hold the flashlight’ as I let my eyes adjust to the darkness that I have let consume me.

As I get ready to hit enter, I am acknowledging that I feel Fear.  I also feel vulnerable, and kind of weak at the moment.  I know these feelings will pass, but they are there.