Have you ever had a night out drinking and then next morning “replayed” the events from the previous evening in your head? You try to fit the pieces and events together but you know you are missing parts…Everything is a little blurry…. I am doing that now, but not because I was drinking…. I wasn’t. No xanax, or other mind numbing medications. But the “blur” is there.
I don’t know which one is to blame, or if its a combination of all three, but I can tell you it was rough, and maybe a little dangerous. That was yesterday, I’m hoping that I am better prepared for it today. I have identified the problem, now I want to ‘laugh’ at it and try to prepare for today a little better. (plan for the worst, hope for the best?)
I remember being woken up at 5 am to take Einstein to work. I know that I walked on the treadmill at some point. I remember thinking no workout today because my arms and abs still hurt from the abuse I had given them the day before. (I think I only ‘remember’ that because they still hurt today….doh!) I also know that I was on wordpress and facebook a bit, because the notifications and time stamps tell me that I was. (I honestly don’t remember though) Did I mention I wasn’t drinking?!?!?
I went to Aldi’s yesterday to buy eggs. Only eggs. This I do remember because I had a long discussion with myself that I didn’t need to use a cart for balance, I was only getting one thing and I COULD do this!… I make it to the back of the store, grabbed two dozen eggs, cradled them in my arm like a baby, and made my way to the checkout where I just stood. I never put the eggs on the belt. I stood there having the meaningless conversation with the cashier, “Hi, how are you?” etc. The problem is I stood there for 5 mins, just holding the eggs. “Oh Shit, I should probably give these to you huh?” I asked. He smiled and said, “Nope I got you, $2.12.” I remember that too. I remember the price of the eggs, but I don’t remember driving home, putting them away etc.
At One O’clock this heavy cloud/weight settled on me. I felt like I was going to pass out. Not because I couldn’t breathe panic attack style. I just couldn’t….. anything. Well that sucks… I needed to pick Einstein up from work in a couple hours. MORE COFFEE!!!! Fold the laundry? Somehow you must stay vertical!!!! Yeah that didn’t happen. I passed out, sitting up folding laundry. I woke up 2 hours later to the sound of the 4th call from Einstein….”Did you forget me?!?!?”
OMG!!!! YES I did!, I mean NO!…oh shit…. Sorry, I fell asleep…… I’m coming!!! I went to the bathroom, tripped over the coffee table, put my shoes on and ran out the door. ARGH… I don’t take naps, I am NEVER late, in fact, if I am not 15 minutes early people begin to worry……smh
While I didn’t HURT myself or anyone else yesterday, I wasn’t there. (Although, I did almost hit Einstein with my car for the 3rd time in his life.) Yes I did just say that I hit him with my car 2 times, once WAS intentional the other I claim is his fault. ( If you remind me, I will tell you about it in a couple weeks, it’s not a horror story, and it’s something we all laugh about, NOW)
So TODAY, I am prepared for the worst. Einstein took my car to work, so I don’t have to leave the house until visitation tonight. My only plan is enjoy my new coffee maker, and just be. I am giving myself the gift of no expectations until this evening. When all I have to do is show up. My girls are going to the funeral home with me. My parents are meeting us for dinner afterwards, and then I am coming home. No lists today!
Tomorrow, or next week, or even a week after that ( Yah Tysabri on the First) I will make another to do list, but for now, for today…. I will just be…..
While I am here though, I want to thank everyone for letting me share my pain and memory with you the other day. Thank you for your presence, support, and kind words!!!!