How did I get here?

I woke up this morning feeling,  I would like to call it “recharged”, but it is better than that, and I really can’t find a word to “define” it.  Liberated? Free? Optimistic?….I guess the definition doesn’t really matter, but the feeling is INCREDIBLE.

Today, I was “supposed” to run electricity with my dad, but the weather changed our plans.  As I reached for my “to do list” to fill up my day, a thought hit me.  I really LIKE this feeling.  Instead of rushing to fill the “free time” with some other task, I decided to do nothing, just for a minute…. Did I mention I like this feeling??!?!?  I still don’t have a word for it, but I really like it.

codependentyThose damn feelings of CO-Dependency kept trying to creep in.  Someone, somewhere must need something.  I am positive that I am forgetting something for the wedding, maybe I should start packing now, so I can recheck it 50x before we leave Friday morning?           STOP IT GRACE!!!

I looked at the calendar, everything is right on or ahead of schedule.  How the hell did that happen?  The last two? three? weeks are kind of a blur.

Okay so how did I get here?

I reread some of last weeks blog posts.  Oh yeah, I kind of remember doing that…. maybe?  I’ve been living on auto- pilot.  I have been “going through the motions” and not letting myself FEEL anything.

Yesterday, when I arrived at the hospital for my Tysabri infusion, the nurses kept asking me if I was ok.  “Are you sure, you’re ok?”  I replied, “Yes, I’m good, just overdue for this infusion and I’m really tired.”  and then they asked again…”Grace, are you going to be able to drive home after this?” I responded, “I’m not driving, I promise…my parents will be here in a little bit.”…. one more time….”Are you sure?”….. uh huh…..and I was out.

I woke up to my dad’s voice in the hallway calling out my name to see which room I was in.  The minute, I saw their faces, tears came pouring out of my eyes.  What the hell is this,  why was I crying?  It didn’t really matter, it’s not like I could stop the tears anyway.  So I just let them flow.

I don’t remember anything else from yesterday.  I know my parents brought me home.  I know I ate at some point etc etc.  and I slept.  I really slept.  I still don’t have the adjective to describe this feeling and I am going to let that be ok.

In the past two hours that I have been sitting here, drinking coffee and reflecting I have “learned” some thing about myself.

I can “handle” physical pain, but I do everything in my power to run from emotional pain, in fact,  I think I have done this my entire life.  I stay busy all the time.  I go out of my way to try to make people feel better all the time, because I can’t handle tears.  I can’t handle watching someone who is grieving suffer.  I literally would rather go to the dentist, get shot, jump off a cliff, you name it, than to FEEL emotional pain.

My first thought, was “that’s just pathetic”.  But then I asked myself, “Why?”.  Who says it’s pathetic?  Seriously, who’s voice is that judging and belittling me?  The voice was my own.  There is no one to blame.  It’s that VERY FRICKING LOUD “little voice”, in my own head trying to sabotage myself.  When I type it out in black and white, it looks just plain silly.

Ok, so I have some work to do on myself.  (But not today).  Today I am going to just be.  I am not “planning for tomorrow”, or “thinking about yesterday.”  Today, I am just going to be.

 

 

 

 

29 comments

  1. Sounds good. I feel like for a long time I was very self-honest, and then somehow in the past years, with crap health etc., I sort of just went on autopilot and survived, and it has been sort of bad for me. Lately I am feeling like, yeah to truly examine me in a compassionate way, and make life better. Best wishes to you–I think that cry probably helped you a lot. I think I’ll watch a weepy movie or something to get it going for me–

    Liked by 1 person

    1. honestly my first thought, was “No, don’t cry”, but you are right! Crying and letting it all out was probably the best thing for me. It’s hard trying to be strong all the time. Thank you for the best wishes, and I wish the same to you!!! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s funny, I dont handle physical pain well at all! I charge head first the the emotional stuff, but the first time I met depression was after an injury. I also have a pretty intense fear of death…

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I talk a good game with the emotional stuff, but I sure can distract myself from actually dealing with it! This was the perfect post for me today. AND I LOVE that you are just being present with your emotions and with where you are at today. That is the most difficult thing for me to do. Thank you for the real reminder 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. My emotions exploded last night. I was crying so hard I couldn’t even stand up. Hubby had to hold me up. I haven’t let myself feel much in a long time and after a fight last night my emotions no longer gave me a choice. It was awful, painful and a wonderful release at the same time. Enjoy your moments today. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know the feeling, the tears from nowhere thing … somehow I’m over that ‘stage’ I think … after 20 yrs of MS there has to be something good happen hey?! Anyway, you’ll be fine, trust me it’s ok, I do believe we get stronger as we go. Happy days to you 😌😌

    Like

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