There are flashlights everywhere

Last week?  I think it was last week, I asked someone to hold the flashlight for me.  I don’t know why I was so surprised by the number of offers I received, but I  was genuinely and pleasantly surprised.  Thank YOU for that!

In my post I talked about how I don’t do “feelings” very well, and that I was going to take some time working on that.  What I have discovered is that I am not very nice to myself.  My ‘inner’ voice says the most atrocious things to myself.  I call myself fat.  I call myself lazy.  I call myself mean, and to be honest, I am very mean TO MYSELF.  “you should have done better , Why didn’t you try harder? You should have been able to fix that!!!”

Did I mention pretty fucking mean?  The thing is the things I say to myself, I would never say to another human being.  EVER!.  So why is it ok to say it to myself?!?!?  I’ve been spending the last week trying to find the answer to that question, and I have come up with…. IT’S NOT OKAY!

That’s as far as I have gotten with my observations.

I am very mean to myself and IT IS NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tried the whole stand in front of the mirror and telling myself that I am a warrior thing, which resulted in my spitting toothpaste on the mirror.  When I finished cleaning that up, I did realize that I was laughing.  I also came to the conclusion that laughing makes up two of my strengths.  1.  I have a good sense of humor.  AND 2.  I am able to laugh at myself.  Those are both good qualities to have.

A third “positive affirmation” that I was able to come up with, is that I am good at making people feel good about themselves.  It truly makes me happy to watch someone grow and stand taller.  I need to spend more time thinking about how I do that and apply it to myself.

Before I go, I want to thank you all for your comments and messages, it really does help to know that I’m not alone here in the dark.

36 comments

  1. Oh Grace, I love you! You are looking at yourself, seeing and discovering and now, working to be nicer to yourself. My favorite thing is the laughter; how you stopped to recognize that laughter is one of your strengths. You are so fucking powerful, strong and kind and good and funny. I am grateful to know you! xoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ty Susan! I have been trying to work on this list for more than a week, which in turn has taught me something else I need to work on which is focus. My focus is currently what I wasn’t able to do for a day instead of what I was able to accomplish. I definitely have some ‘rewiring’ to do in my brain

      Liked by 4 people

      1. We all do, Grace. You are beginning by seeing and recognizing what is amazing about you, the things we all see and know about you. Being a person is so fucking hard, but thankfully we don’t have to do it alone. You are a total Rock Star in my book, Grace!!! You have been since the first word of your blog I read, and you will always be.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. You are right about making others feel better. I think know I g you say what you mean, so when you say something kind it is genuine. No BS. It can really lift spirits when you know somethingnisnt being said “just to make your feel better” and you ha e that quality. Real. Affirm that pretty lady!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you realized this — know you can work to change it. When you find yourself doing that try journaling to figure out the base of your emotion. Further try to stop that negative thought/words and force a positive !!! Also look into COGNITIVE BEHAVIOR THERAPY — it also could help you learn how to change the negative into the positives you deserve!!! People are good — you should feel that and know it’s genuine!!

    Like

    1. I spent yesterday evening reviewing “my day”, and immediately started thinking about all I SHOULD have finished and then caught myself. I actually accomplished ALOT yesterday and maybe if I quit beating myself up I could actually enjoy the accomplishments. I am looking into CBT right now, I think it’s a great idea and could prove really useful to me! Ty for the suggestion!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I barely know you and yet stand in awe of you–even when I’m sitting down. Having the courage to ask for help is not a small thing, and even though it’s a cliche it’s true that every journey begins with a single step–and the journey of becoming better begins with the single step of wanting to be better to yourself.
    Some things are just cliches because they’re inescapably true and provide a firm foundation for those first steps.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Your inner monologue has so much power, now you can learn to have power over it. It’s all what you focus on. I laughed at the toothpaste image! 💕

    Like

    1. I having been calling the voice in my head “the evil little bitch” for so long, I didn’t realize that that too was a put down. I am trying to think of the voice as maybe a scared little girl that could use my help if that makes any sense

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That makes perfect sense. When my mom went through her divorce she read a book about ‘healing her inner child’. I think we are all still our child selves, just faking this adulting thing. 😉 The adult you can teach that little girl to speak nicely. 😊❤️

        Like

  6. Well, is this the beginning or the end of the proverbial shoe dropping? It is OK! I still am hanging on to that flashlight!!! You are spot on with your observations. I wonder ‘how’ you learned to talk to yourself like that? Hmmm…? If you were going to reprimand the 6-year-old Grace, would you talk to her like that? Would you call her those names? She is still with you, that 6-year-old Grace. She lives in your heart. Why don’t you spend some time trying to talk to her? Write her a letter maybe? (Now, I just read the comments and I’m not the only one talking about this.) You can’t be so mean to yourself. You are a gift! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really don’t know the how or why to it, and haven’t quite decided if I want to “go back” to find the one source of ‘blame’ (I’ve thought about it) but for the time being I am looking more at the 6 year old Grace and trying to ‘pump her up’. Please don’t let go of that flashlight!!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Never, ever. I have the flashlight firmly held. You have my email. If you ever want to talk. I can send you my phone # too. I had to talk to the 6-year-old Kim, once. It was frightening, overwhelmingly sad, but terribly freeing! Embrace her, Grace. ~ xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  7. How we talk to ourselves is everything. I love you, Grace. Be good to your inner self, see her like we do. You’ll be in nothing but awe of everything you do when you do. ❤️

    Like

  8. Oh sweetie, I do understand how it is sometimes so easy to be mean towards our self, but it is not good for our emotional well-being. I am pretty damn hard on myself and curse myself for not doing more, but being mean isn’t helping heal. You are way too good of a person and you are so kind to everyone else to cause yourself sadness. Grace you are a beautiful person, inside and out and I do believe the world could be better with more people like you in it! Like I said, I know it is easy to be mean to ourselves and it is so hard to be kind, we all need to try! I am here to always fill your mind with nothing but great thoughts about you!!! All my love Grace!

    Like

  9. I went to a seminar for women in the workplace at least a decade ago. They said women have a disproportionate amount of negative self talk, so you aren’t alone. Picturing a younger version of you is helpful. I have a photo up for when that serious self loathing (why can’t my body just heal dammit) kicks in. Take good care of you and I forgot to mention on the crochet… The yarn you choose is important depending on what you are doing with the blanket. Baby blankets are best made with baby yarn, which is incredibly adorable. 🙂

    Like

    1. Grabbing a picture of younger me is a great idea! My mom will love helping me find one. Also thank you for the tip about the baby yarn! My thought when I picked a blanket as my first project was it would take me a long time to finish and really keep my hands busy for quitting smoking. Thank you again for the video, I do love that pattern, but I did wonder if it would be safe for a baby with the spacing. Have a great weekend Mishka!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. This is an actual baby blanket. https://youtu.be/t43TYHC3hHI She’s pretty easy to follow. My two recommendations. Watch the video all the way through before beginning. It just helps to know the whole plan. And two, use stitch markers at the end and of each row. It’s really easy to get off track and then you end up all wonky. So on your last stitch on each row put a marker. This can be a safety pin or anything that clips on. You can always google image where to put a stitch marker. I had to use lots of them to keep track of my stitch counts. 🙃 Okay happy weekend to you too🌸

        Like

  10. Should you choose to accept… ??? I hope you do! (it has to be fun, if not, just pass) Day #4; I challenge (tag) Grace at GracefulNot! Grace is an incredible soul! So much compassion and unencumbered passion for life. No matter what she’s up against, it is told with truth and, yes, grace! Take a moment to check out her blog.

    Like

    1. aaaahhhhhh no tears on sundays kim! you made me cry!!!!! ok truth be told, I was already a little weepy because dutch is going home today, but you are SO FUCKING kind to me! I will investigate this further in a bit…TY!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.