Category: Being judgemental

Better than I was yesterday

~ msgracefulnot ~ 32 Comments

I overthink!…. it’s true.  I OVERTHINK about EVERYTHING ALL the time!!!  So much so that I get lost in my brain playing devil’s advocate, trying to make sure I am seeing all sides of a situation.  I was in a funk this morning and couldn’t shake it,  I didn’t even have a known reason.  Then I turned on the camera, and started talking to myself.  I did a “brain dump”.

After making this video, before actually uploading it, I called a very wise, honest new friend of mine and asked him to help me “get out of my head”.  I felt like he listened to me ramble without judgment, and then I listened to him.  He gives good advice! Lots of advice, but good advice.  Thank you for that “Superman”!!!!

Anyway the moral of all of this, is that I want to be a better person.  I’m not saying that I am a bad person, but I want to be better than I was yesterday.  Sometimes I really hate that I overthink everything, but maybe its the overthinking that will get me there?

What started all of this…. I belong to many Facebook groups for people dealing with Chronic Illness, more specifically Multiple Sclerosis.  Yesterday in one of the groups someone posted a picture of a “nasty note” that was left on their car, saying something to the effect of “you don’t look sick, why are you taking a spot that someone who is sick needs?”  The note was much more harsh than that, but I think you get my point?  Anyway, the person posted the picture of the note saying, “because people suck”.  I assume she was hurt and just wanted to vent, and was looking for support.  Ok I get it…kind of….  What I don’t get though is why of the 409 emoji’s and comments that followed on the thread, I was one of the few that simply replied, “I am sorry that happened to you”.  People started sharing their own stories about how much people suck and the cocky comments they respond to people with like, “Well maybe I don’t look sick, but you don’t look stupid!”  (no offense, but after saying that and “showing your ass” to me, you kind of do)  Why does one wrong make a right?  Someone said or did something to hurt you and it’s automatically ok to hurt them back?!?!??!  I don’t get it.  Why not be better than them?  Why not be stronger than them?

What really set me off about the thread of comments, was one woman talking about how her 9 year old “told off” someone that confronted her when she was questioned for parking in the handicap spot.  Seriously?!~?~!?  Why didn’t she pull her child aside and say, “Some people just don’t get it”?  Why didn’t she take this as a learning opportunity for her child to NOT Be judgmental and filled with hate?  Why did no one in this thread, suggest that to her?  I chose not to comment on the thread further because I realize that I will not “fix” everyone.  Honestly, I don’t have the time or energy for that.  But I also know that I don’t want to feed into that either.

In the 20 years that I have lived with MS, and however many years I have used a handicap parking placard, I have been confronted numerous times both verbally and in writing that I don’t LOOK disabled. Shrug…. Ok?  Do you feel better after saying that to me?  I literally just shrug and walk away.  Sometimes I TRY to smile first, sometimes I don’t.  Again….SHRUG.  Occasionally, I will attempt to educate someone that not all disabilities are visible, but most of the time I smh and walk away.

People wonder why their is so much hate and anger in the world, yet they feed into it themselves.  I know that I will be confronted again, I can not control that, but I can control how I react to it. I CAN BE A BETTER ME!!!!

Here is another link to the video of my “brain dump” if you would care to watch.

Thank you again to “superman” for letting me unload this morning!.  Treadmill time.  Busy Busy weekend here.  I hope everyone is able to stay warm this weekend 🙂

Why isn’t there a universal “I’m sorry” sign or symbol?

~ msgracefulnot ~ 18 Comments

Earlier today I started to back out in front of someone.  Thankfully, I looked again before I continued and she was paying enough attention to catch me backing out before she hit me.  She stopped her car, I continued to back out, and I tried to tell her that I was sorry from my car, but I didn’t know how.  As I put my hands up, they didn’t know what to do.  I mouthed the words, “I’m sorry” as I put one hand over my heart and shook my head.  She nodded at me and parked in the spot that I had previously occupied and I drove away.

For the entire day I have been plagued with the question…

“Why isn’t there a universal sign to tell someone that you are sorry?”

I don’t know of a single individual, that doesn’t recognize the “Middle Finger” as a sign of Fuck you, you are an idiot etc…so why isn’t there a sign that says I’m sorry?!?!?fuck you

As a society are we that accustomed to negativity and blame that we know how to “tell someone off”, but we don’t know how to apologize?  Is it bigger than that?  Do we not know how to accept responsibility for our own shortcomings?

I spent almost an hour on google trying to find a “universal sign” for I’m sorry.  The closest thing I could find was the ASL or American Sign Language, and again that is not universal, and from any kind of distance would appear that I was giving the middle finger.

What would you do in a situation like that?  How do you convey that YOU SCREWED UP, when another driver can’t clearly see your facial expressions or hear your voice?  I had even thought of pulling over and getting out of my car to apologize, but in the city I live in you DON’T just walk up to someone’s car and not expect to get shot.

I’m sure I will go back to my busy life soon, and “forget” this incident, but I still wonder…. “Why isn’t there a sign for apologies?!?!?”

 

Finding the positive in a bad situation

~ msgracefulnot ~ 2 Comments

Yesterday was a pretty PERFECT day.  I am sure as I tell you about it, you might think I have come unhinged or am joking, but please keep reading and hopefully you will see why before I am finished.

I woke up at 6 am, fed the dogs, and realized I wasn’t going to have time to do my mile on the treadmill before I had to leave at 7. 😦  That meant it was going to be so much harder in the afternoon.  😦 STAY FOCUSED. It didn’t matter, I was going to traffic court with my daughter for a pretty bad speeding ticket, and I should probably at least be showered when I showed up.  I took a shower, threw on some “presentable” clothes, loaded my dogs in the car and headed out the door.  (I share “custody” of my dogs with my kid, but more about that another time)

I got to her house at 7:30 and she was still getting ready, which was fine.  (I hadn’t planned on her being ready anyway; and we didn’t have to leave for a 1/2 hour.)  We talked for a moment about whether we were riding together or separate and came to the conclusion that we would have to drive separate because we were going in different directions afterward.  😦 (I had hoped to use the drive to “catch up” on her busy 20 year old life.)

We left for the courthouse at 8:00, went through security with the “want to be cops” who insisted that I pull my keys out of the bottom of my suitcase of a purse and put them in an individual tray even though my purse was going through an XRAY machine?!?!?  (Yes I was being petty and judgmental, but please stick with me)  I silently did as I was told, and we made our way to the courtroom only to find out that her lawyer wasn’t there.  (SMH, you have got to be kidding me!!!)  Court started at 8:30 and the lawyer’s office didn’t open until 9. Not that I could call them anyway since I left my phone in the car because unfortunately, I have to been to traffic court enough times to know that phones are not allowed.  ARGH!

We entered the courtroom and waited for my daughter’s name to be called.  When it was, the state’s attorney called us to the back of the courtroom to offer her a deal.  We told him that her attorney hadn’t showed up yet, and that we needed more clarification about his offer.  As soon as I said she had a lawyer, he said he couldn’t talk to us anymore without the lawyer present.  (well that’s a hell of a catch 22 don’t you think….we couldn’t locate her lawyer!!!!!)…. argh and argh!!  He agreed to “mark us present” and let us go into the hall to decide what to do next.

While we were discussing her options and the hallway was clearing out, I had noticed that ONE lawyer had come into the hall numerous times calling for his client.  I made a joke that if he would find my daughter’s lawyer, I would find his client.  He went back into the courtroom and came back 60 seconds later saying that he couldn’t find her lawyer.  I told him I was sorry I had looked everywhere and couldn’t find his missing client either. 😉 (yes this was only 60 seconds)

Wow this is getting lengthy,  if you’re still here please stay with me, I promise there is a point and I will try to summarize more.  The attorney said he would not charge us to talk to him for a few minutes if we wanted to talk.  We did!  The very last thing he said to us while we were in the itty bitty room was, “If you were my daughter, I would tell you to take some time to think about your options.  You do have the right to ask for a continuance and you have a lot to think about.  Here is my card, if you decide you would like to hire me.  Good luck with whatever you decide.”

It was now 9 am.  Time to call the “missing attorney” and give him a piece of my mind. I sent my daughter back into the courtroom to let the state’s attorney know we were still looking for her lawyer.  OH SHIT I DIDN”T HAVE MY PHONE! (not to mention the time or energy to go all the way back to my car to get it)  I asked a complete stranger if I could use her phone, SHE LET ME!!!!!!!!! (yes I was shocked)  I quickly called the attorney’s office only to be told by the receptionist that she didn’t know where he was, but she would ATTEMPT to locate him and call me back.  SMH…ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME?!?!!?  I hung up, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

When I walked back into the courtroom, my daughter was standing in front of the judge with the state’s attorney and the entire courtroom was empty.  The judge said, “Well come on up, we’ve been waiting for you”. (I thought, “Oh shit, she’s going to jail, I’ve pissed the judge off, and he is going to make HER pay.”)

Because this is my daughter’s life, and it’s not my right to share more, let me just tell you that my daughter did not go to jail. She got a speeding ticket and because we live in IL and she is 20 years old the consequences are pretty hefty.  (max penalty 1500$ fine and/or jail time, and possible license suspension…. OUCH)

AND FINALLY TO THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE STORY……

As we left the courtroom I sat down and took another deep breath.  I felt so grateful for so many things.

I am grateful that although my daughter has a terrible lead foot; (yes I think it is hereditary) She took responsibility for her mistakes.  She faced so many fears that morning and handled it like a champ!  While I was waiting for her to get ready for court, I was glancing around her house feeling proud that she seemed to have a pretty good handle on adulting.  Dishes were done, animals had food and water, the house was clean.  ( Big improvement from when she was 18)

I am Grateful for the attorney that took his time to calm a mother’s fears.  (I know he was looking for business too, that’s his job, but he didn’t have to do be as nice about it)

I am Grateful for the woman that still has enough trust to hand her phone over to a complete stranger. (Even though I looked like a frantic crazy woman)

I can list so many more things that I am Grateful for, but for fear of losing you.  I want to state my final points.  They are all pretty much cliche, but maybe now you can understand why I am saying them.

  1. Be Grateful for the small things in life.
  2. Try to focus on the positive when it feels like the world is turning upside down
  3. Be kind to strangers
  4. Remain Calm
  5. Own your shit
  6. Focus on what you CAN control
  7. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst
  8. Don’t judge other people!!!!

As we left the courthouse, I felt terrible for judging and labeling the security guards as “want to be cops”, they were just doing their jobs who the hell was I to judge.  I approached them and asked if I could talk to them for a few minutes. During our conversation, I learned the reason the keys have to go in a separate container.  I didn’t realize that they couldn’t tell if I had pepper spray or a knife attached to my keys if they were in a bag with other junk.  They ask you to put them in the container so they can do their jobs of protecting people better by examining them closer.  Yes I feel silly that I judged, but also Grateful that I learned something new.

New challenge for myself, spend the rest of this week remembering AND applying # 1-8.