Where in the hell have you been?

give it all you've got

It feels like I have been to hell and back, AND I’ve got the scars to prove it. ( I could share a post about the scars alone, but let’s not do that now)

I still laugh when I tell someone that I started a blog about MS several years ago, yet I can’t remember one post I made about MS. ( Ok, I do remember advocating for Tysabri and bladder incontinence treatments, but not much else) If I remember correctly, 80% of what I what I wrote involved aging, empty nest syndrome, traveling, my kids, a bit about my grandkids, and let’s not forget Einstein and all that bullshit.

While I am no longer at my “rock bottom”, I also don’t want to rehash everything that has happened yet. Instead, let me highlight a few of the BIG changes that have been going on (in no particular order)

  • I QUIT SMOKING!!!! Yes the 2 pack a day chain smoker for over 30 years quit smoking. It’s been over a year.
  • I gained 20 lbs from quitting smoking
  • I had a male best friend and a female best friend die. How fucking dare they?!?!? Didn’t they know I needed them?!?!?!?
  • Maybe 10 more lbs gained from that.
  • I had bladder cancer. I had surgery, I had BCG (chemo), was declared cancer free, only to have it come back. REPEAT (I had surgery, I had BCG treatments, and was told, “I don’t see any cancer, but we are going to repeat 1/2 a treatment of BCG for 3 weeks and then repeat a cystoscopy in August.) If they find cancer in August, I will lose my bladder ….. literally. 😦
  • Not only did I have to stop Tysabri, I also had to stop all MS medications. HUGE increase in disability!
  • I have at least 3 more surgeries this year….. blah blah blah

Can I just say, It’s been rough?

I can’t believe I didn’t mention. I FINALLY LEFT EINSTEIN. Left like moved out, no contact, ( other that minimum kid and dog stuff) Not sure which is the bigger accomplishment, quitting smoking or quitting him, but either way, YAY!!!

I also traveled to Seattle, and not only met, but also stayed with a blogger, author, and overall Rockstar that I have admired for several years. I WILL write more about that more in the future……

On that note, I am going to stop typing.

for now

Letter to My Best Friend (Munch)

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a month since we’ve talked……

Who am I kidding, I talk to you everyday?!!??!

If I really think about it, I guess it also hasn’t been a month since I’ve seen you. I have 1000’s of pictures, both physical ones and all of those images and memories of us and our 30 years of friendship that are burned in my mind.

Hmmm in reality, it hasn’t even been a month since I have heard your voice. (I have never been more thankful for the technology of voicemails and videos!!!!)

SO WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO BAD?!?!?!? I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart, yet my heart is so full of you.

FUCK CANCER! Fuck all the pain I watched you endure! Fuck all the pain I still feel!!!!

Well now that the emotional shit is out of the way… ( NOT) We should probably catch up…

Oh wait! I’m mad at you!

I don’t care if it makes any sense!

I’m mad that you aren’t here! I’m mad that my RIDE OR DIE friend DIED! How could you do this to me?!?!?!?

We are supposed to turn 50 next year!!! Remember the party of a lifetime?!?!!? So where the hell are you?!?!?!?

When I opened wordpress today, I had every intention of “catching up with you”. I wanted to tell you that my surgery went ok. The new MS drug hasn’t hurt me, I don’t think…, I finally kicked the crazy bitch out of my house, although she is threatening to sue me…smh, and so many more things, but then the emotions came pouring out.

I’m sorry. I miss you.

I’ve been looking at memorial tattoo idea’s to add to our “eyes in the back of our head” tattoos. I found one that says, “You may be gone from my sight, but you are never gone from my heart.” , which I kind of liked. I also thought about tattooing the last note you wrote me, under the eyeballs. With as emotional as I have been, I know that I need to wait a little longer. Maybe I do that for the big 50?

Rest in Peace my friend!

One post a day… APAD Day 9 Gone but never forgotten

Remembering Snuff and D.O.G.

We purchased D.O.G in 2008. I was very depressed. My step daughter that I had been raising for the last 5 years decided to move across the country to live with her biological mother. I was in and out of the hospital having MS exacerbations every couple of months. I was in A. Bad. Place. Adding D.O.G. to our family was just what I needed. She was my constant companion or copilot. The MS exacerbations continued to occur every two or three months finally landing me in a wheelchair almost full time and having to use a Foley catheter. Again, I. was. DEPRESSED. I was put in a rehabilitation center for 3 months to learn how to walk again. (That is another story though) D.O.G. also became very depressed. She would not eat unless she could visit me or hear my voice on the phone. Did I mention co-dependent? My ex-husband and I decided to get a dog for D.O.G.

Buying a dog for your dog

Yes I bought a dog for my dog. I have always loved German Shepherds. They are hands down my favorite breed. A friend of the family’s German Shepherd had puppies and she said I could take my pick for $300.00. If you have ever purchased a purebred dog, you know that $300.00 is a hell of a deal. (more on that later) Thing One, Thing Two and I went to meet the puppies. Out of 12 of them we were all able to agree that Snuff was the one. The fact that we were all able to agree, MADE her the one. That and she kind of picked us.

Getting two dogs was one of the few Good Decisions that I have made in my life. Over the next few years I learned the importance of training your dogs to be “Good Citizens” or in Layman’s terms “not to be assholes”. Again that’s another story though.

Losing a pet is devastating

Snuff died in June of 2019

and I lost D.O.G. in January of 2021

I didn’t write a post about losing D.O.G. I COULDN’T write. I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t…well anything.

Both of these girls will always be in my heart!

Calling all Dog owners

Many of you know that Snuff is no longer with us.  I knew it was going to hurt like hell, but I had not counted on the additional pain of watching D.O.G. mourn Snuff.  FUCK!!!!

How do you help an animal grieve the loss of another?

When we got home from the animal hospital that night, D.O.G. was laying on the towel that snuff had been laying on that night.  She wouldn’t move.  She wouldn’t go outside, she wouldn’t eat, and didn’t even want to be cuddled.  Like me, my dogs are wanderers or travelers.  They have beds, bowls, and favorite spots at my house, Einstein’s, and at Thing Two’s.  Even though we don’t always sleep at the same house, the dog’s have never been apart.

The next morning, when I moved my car keys, D.O.G. popped up and ran right to the garage door.  Was she looking for Snuff?  Did she think Snuff was at my house, or did she just want to be home?  Did she know snuff wasn’t coming back?  Did she hurt as bad as I did?  So many questions and emotions.  I decided to take her home.

When we got home, she almost tripped me to get into the house where she immediately went room to room in search of….?  When I let her outside, she went ran the perimeter of my yard as well.  Once she was worn out, she crawled up next to me in bed, and wouldn’t leave my side.  I’m not sure if being there helped D.O.G. or not, but I was not ready to be there without Snuff, so we went back to Einstein’s that night.

Thing two asked if she could pick up D.O.G.  the next night after work.  Her house would be the last place D.O.G. would associate with Snuff, so maybe she could begin to understand Snuff wasn’t coming back.

Have you ever had to help one pet grieve the loss of another?  What things have you found make it easier?  Were there things that didn’t help? I have tried to keep our routine as similar as possible (feeding time, walk time, play time etc)  Until a few days ago, I had not removed Snuff’s dishes or kennel and D.O.G. spent most of her time lying on Snuff’s bed.

To complicate matters, I found a flea on D.O.G.  Are you freaking kidding me?!??!?  I have had dogs, my entire life and have NEVER had to deal with fleas, ticks, mites etc.  So I turned to Google.  Big mistake!  Google had me convinced that we all needed to shave all hair from our bodies and that I had to burn my house down.  ( Ok that was only my initial reaction…but ewwww)

What I HAVE done after telling Einstein and Thing Two, is steam clean my furniture and carpet.  I have bombed (Raid flea fogger) my house 2 times, and washed all bedding and toys in hot water.  (this is the reason I broke down Snuff’s kennel) 😦  I have flea dipped D.O.G. and check her daily but I am overly anxious that it is not enough.  Have you ever had to deal with fleas?  What steps did you have to take to be sure they were gone?

I know I have alot of questions in this post.  I am feeling very overwhelmed at the moment.  I appreciate any suggestions you might be willing to share.

On a final note, Snuff’s ashes have been returned to me.  In addition to putting them in an urn, Einstein put some in a necklace for me and Thing Two and put some aside to be added to the tattoo I got of her paw print on my right leg were she always stood.

Time of Death 10:30 pm 06/15/2019

I don’t know if you remember, back in March of this year, we received the devastating news that Snuff had Hemangiosarcoma CANCER.  The vet performed surgery to remove her ruptured spleen, but the cancer had spread too far.  The vet said that we would lose her within the next few months.

While I am grateful that I had 3 more months with her, THEY WEREN’T ENOUGH.!!!!

Snuff took her last breath at 10:30 pm on Saturday.

As I looked at this “collection” of the snuff’s things this morning, thinking this is all I have left of her, I realized that I was wrong.  My heart is full of love for her, my brain full of memories.

So now Snuff is gone, but she will NEVER be forgotten!!!!!!!

So many road trips together

personality

“Helping” with the yard work

head cock 2

 

So

Much

Personality

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snuff,

I hope you know that it goes without saying that I would hold onto your forever if I could.  Watching you these last few days, I know the time has come that I have to let you go.  I can’t watch you struggle to rise each time I leave the room.    I feel that you are only holding on to make sure that we are ok.  We aren’t.  It hurts like hell, but worrying about you being pain hurts more.

0617191142a

Though you will no longer be by our sides, you will forever be in our hearts.

 

Rest in Peace MY GIRL