Category: Power of positivity

Am I strong?

~ msgracefulnot ~ 10 Comments

Lately, I have had several people tell me how strong I am.  I laugh and I quickly deny it thinking…… “If they only knew.”

I am not strong..but.. I am resourceful. 😉

I have an ARMY of POSITIVE people (ok some VERY strong) in my life that push me to get back up when getting out of bed is a struggle.  I don’t mean butterflies and rainbows positive, I mean the ones that will literally drag me out of bed, and tell me to put my big girl panties on.  People that REMIND me of the things I have survived, and that they NEED ME too.

I joke all the time that if not for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all…..But I am lucky.

I have incredible parents, friends, and family that are always there to kick my ass back into reality when I need it.  They won’t LET me feel sorry for myself.  They remind me that although I have made 10,000,000 mistakes, I have learned something good from each of them. They remind me that there is always someone else that has it “harder” than me.man with no feet

Not only do my friends listen to and support me, by offering an ear or a shoulder, some days lots of kleenex, and the occasional “ass kicking”, but they share THEIR imperfections and learning experiences with me, and I LISTEN!!!!  Not as in taking advice listening, (I am bad at that), but I LISTEN and HEAR that EVERYONE has struggles, EVERYONE, has done things they aren’t proud of, has made mistakes, and taken some hits.Man walking at sunset

I gain something from EVERYONE I come into contact with, even if its a lesson in how I do not want to do things.

If you are struggling with depression, anxiety etc.  may I suggest that you consider “cleaning out your closet” and removing the things or people that don’t make you feel or push you to be stronger?

Let me again state that by positive people, I don’t mean all smiles all the time.  Here are some “strange examples”…

Me: I need to lose weight

Positive influence:  What are you gonna do about it?

Me: Um….. good point, it does start with me…

or another

Me:  I hate being broke!!!!

Positive influence:  Have you quit smoking yet?

Me:….grrrrrr, Ok Ok

So by positive, I mean the ones that call to say…..”Have you walked on the treadmill yet today?”….. The ones that genuinely care and celebrate your victories as their own!

But Back to my original question…… “Am I strong?”.… no, NOT even a little…. but I do have great “resources”.

 

 

Holding on

~ msgracefulnot ~ 42 Comments

On January 18, 2018, I received a phone call from my daughter at 6:30 am.  NO ONE calls me at 6 am unless someone is dying, sadly I do mean this literally, so I REALLY dreaded answering the call.  At the same time, I NEEDED to answer so that I knew she was alive and the one making the phone call.  I answered the phone and heard the sniffles I expected to hear, followed by…..”MOM?”…..I whispered, “yes”…and then I held my breath.  ( silently thinking of everyone I knew and praying the call was not about them)

“Mom, Brandon called me and told me that Sarah was killed in a car accident last night”

“……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..”

I had no words.  Literally no words.  I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak.  I felt like my insides were being ripped out of me.  and then came …………….

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This last week has been absolute hell, praying that she didn’t suffer while imagining the worst, making phone calls, TRYING unsuccessfully to be consoling to those that are left behind.  I can’t fix this!  I can’t take away their pain or my own.  I would if I could!!!!! I would trade my life for hers in a second if I could.  LOGICALLY, I realize that I can not change what happened, but I do NOT do good with feeling powerless.

How do you comfort parents that will never see their baby girl again?

How do you tell her husband that he HAS to be strong because they have a two year old daughter?

So many unanswered questions…… 😦

So I have to focus on what I CAN DO….

I would like to TALK (write) about Sarah and who she was for a few moments, if you will let me.

Demographically :

Sarah just turned 27 last month.  She was newly married (3 years) to her best friend in the world, (though they had been together for 8, and knew each other from Grade School.) She has an absolutely beautiful 2 year old daughter and very supportive and loving parents.  She LOVED animals, and worked as a Veterinary Tech for the last several years.

On the inside:

She possessed one of the biggest hearts I have ever come to know.  ( You wouldn’t know it, if you didn’t look past her “angry resting bitch face” though).  At 5’1, she knew how to use it!  She was a mini superwoman, trying to save the world. (Humans and animals alike)

Below are some pictures with captions explaining some of the memories I will always cherish.

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Thank you for letting me share with you.  I know that I can’t bring her back, but sharing some memories, helps me “Keep her Alive”, and she will always be in my heart.

For those of you that have dealt with “the untimely death” of someone ( not that there ever is a “good time”), What helped you deal with your grief?  I have heard that talking helps, but I feel like Everything that comes out of my mouth is the wrong thing.

Sarah’s funeral is this Thursday.  Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t begin to cover it.  Saying I have “no words”…..well I don’t…. How do you help her family begin to heal?

Better than I was yesterday

~ msgracefulnot ~ 32 Comments

I overthink!…. it’s true.  I OVERTHINK about EVERYTHING ALL the time!!!  So much so that I get lost in my brain playing devil’s advocate, trying to make sure I am seeing all sides of a situation.  I was in a funk this morning and couldn’t shake it,  I didn’t even have a known reason.  Then I turned on the camera, and started talking to myself.  I did a “brain dump”.

After making this video, before actually uploading it, I called a very wise, honest new friend of mine and asked him to help me “get out of my head”.  I felt like he listened to me ramble without judgment, and then I listened to him.  He gives good advice! Lots of advice, but good advice.  Thank you for that “Superman”!!!!

Anyway the moral of all of this, is that I want to be a better person.  I’m not saying that I am a bad person, but I want to be better than I was yesterday.  Sometimes I really hate that I overthink everything, but maybe its the overthinking that will get me there?

What started all of this…. I belong to many Facebook groups for people dealing with Chronic Illness, more specifically Multiple Sclerosis.  Yesterday in one of the groups someone posted a picture of a “nasty note” that was left on their car, saying something to the effect of “you don’t look sick, why are you taking a spot that someone who is sick needs?”  The note was much more harsh than that, but I think you get my point?  Anyway, the person posted the picture of the note saying, “because people suck”.  I assume she was hurt and just wanted to vent, and was looking for support.  Ok I get it…kind of….  What I don’t get though is why of the 409 emoji’s and comments that followed on the thread, I was one of the few that simply replied, “I am sorry that happened to you”.  People started sharing their own stories about how much people suck and the cocky comments they respond to people with like, “Well maybe I don’t look sick, but you don’t look stupid!”  (no offense, but after saying that and “showing your ass” to me, you kind of do)  Why does one wrong make a right?  Someone said or did something to hurt you and it’s automatically ok to hurt them back?!?!??!  I don’t get it.  Why not be better than them?  Why not be stronger than them?

What really set me off about the thread of comments, was one woman talking about how her 9 year old “told off” someone that confronted her when she was questioned for parking in the handicap spot.  Seriously?!~?~!?  Why didn’t she pull her child aside and say, “Some people just don’t get it”?  Why didn’t she take this as a learning opportunity for her child to NOT Be judgmental and filled with hate?  Why did no one in this thread, suggest that to her?  I chose not to comment on the thread further because I realize that I will not “fix” everyone.  Honestly, I don’t have the time or energy for that.  But I also know that I don’t want to feed into that either.

In the 20 years that I have lived with MS, and however many years I have used a handicap parking placard, I have been confronted numerous times both verbally and in writing that I don’t LOOK disabled. Shrug…. Ok?  Do you feel better after saying that to me?  I literally just shrug and walk away.  Sometimes I TRY to smile first, sometimes I don’t.  Again….SHRUG.  Occasionally, I will attempt to educate someone that not all disabilities are visible, but most of the time I smh and walk away.

People wonder why their is so much hate and anger in the world, yet they feed into it themselves.  I know that I will be confronted again, I can not control that, but I can control how I react to it. I CAN BE A BETTER ME!!!!

Here is another link to the video of my “brain dump” if you would care to watch.

Thank you again to “superman” for letting me unload this morning!.  Treadmill time.  Busy Busy weekend here.  I hope everyone is able to stay warm this weekend 🙂

Trying to find “Joy” (inside joke)

~ msgracefulnot ~ 7 Comments

We have a 10 year plus old whirlpool tub that has a “hand held jet” to help you reach the spots you can’t position yourself in front of to feel the pulse.  Anyway the massaging part popped off, and Einstein won’t let me glue it back on, BUT he said I could buy a replacement for his tub,….. if I could find one.

That was my agenda for the day.  (Oh and a test video chat with zoom today at 12:30 p.m.) Thankfully, I had the company of an awesome friend to accompany me along on my errands.  To keep her identity personal we will call her “Joy” for the time being. So my friend “Joy” showed up (a little late as usual), but that’s ok, because I already new it was going to be a multi store experience and company was good…. NOTHING IS EVER SIMPLE!!!

We left for the mall a little before 9.  Who knew they didn’t open until 10?  😦  That’s ok, we could walk the mall to fit in my mile walk today.  We did!… It was actually kind of relaxing until a 90 year old man flew by us without so much as a hair out of place.  Yes I instantly felt 100 years old.  Can you be going through menopause at 44?... I just snarled at him (under my breath) and kept plugging and sweating along.

Finally 10 o’clock rolled around, and Sears opened.  I’m thinking Sears has everything, they will be able to help (when I was a kid, you always called Sears).  We had to walk through the entire store before we were finally directed to the “expert”. ( Over 13 hills, through mountains and a river even)  But the “expert” was no expert.  I will share his name though.  It is Don.  Don the NON expert.  But that’s okay….. Don had an expert to send us to.  ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN ( you know the part that you never go into after dark, let alone daylight?  YEP THAT PART OF TOWN)

“Joy” decided that she was up for the adventure so we headed out to find the new god of hand held spa jets.….Let me just say…it was a complete and utter DEAD END.  They didn’t carry parts for “bathtub type whirlpools”  at least I think that’s what they said.  Either way no help and no redirection…. Oh well tomorrow’s a new day and I still have to stock up at Sam’s club before my membership expires next month.  (honestly I had to pee and didn’t feel comfortable dropping my pants there)

“Joy” and I quickly (but of course safely, following all appropriate speed limit laws, etc) headed out the door and back to the first side of town.  YAH!…Sam’s club was simple.  Einstein had given me his credit card to pick up $200.00 in alcohol (for the imaginary new year’s party that we are FINALLY going to have).  I ran into some dear friends that I went to high school with, did the FAST “tell me all about your life in under 15 minutes”, add me on Facebook ( oh shit I have a new one), and let’s get together after the holidays thing.  FTR I really hope this happens!!!  I spent $193.18 and even got some granola and bananas in the process.  YAH under budget!!!! AND most importantly I made it to the bathroom in time….BONUS YAH!!!

I had run out of coffee at this point so I offered to buy “Joy” lunch for letting me DRAG her along.  She “milked” my guilt, and said that she wanted to go to a very expensive hibachi grill in the area, I thought about it for about 1/2 a second ( I did have Einstein’s credit card), and then took her to McDonald’s.  On the way back to my house, I did pull in the parking lot of the famous hibachi grill so she could eat her lunch there.  So I did try….

Clock check…. holy shit it’s 12:00, MAYBE we could pop in Great Escape very quickly to see if they could help us.  (It takes me 4 hours to walk a mile though remember?), but we could try…. besides I had to pee AGAIN, so off we went.  As I did the “I HAVE TO FRICKING PEE NOW” potty dance I tossed the bag to the guys behind the counter… (Maybe I even threw it?)…no no I’m sure I tossed it gently as I nearly screamed, “I have to pee, can you look at that, and where’s the BATHROOM?!?!?!?”

I won’t bore you with those details, but yah mission accomplished….( well the making it to the bathroom part.)  When we went back to the counter 4 guys were standing there just kind of staring at us.  ( probably still in shock at my entrance), but they hadn’t even looked in the bag.  When I asked if they could help us, they said, “Well what is it?”  OMG are you fricking kidding me?!?!?  Seriously hasn’t anyone seen a handheld whirlpool tub jet?!?!? (I posted the picture above if you haven’t)  Feeling my frustration, my friend “Joy” blurted out, “IT’S A VIBRATOR”.  Well THAT got their attention.  No help from them, but definitely their attention….and then we were out of time.

I raced ( again very safely, following all posted speed limits) home with 5 minutes to spare for my video call.  (Crap did I shower this morning?!?!?) No matter, it was happening anyway.

12:30pm.  ZOOM is awesome!  Similar to skype but I think more advanced.  My call was with a fellow blogger offering advice on setting up your blog for monetizing and increasing traffic to your site. (I’m not ready for that at this point, but maybe sometime in the future)  Either way she was very helpful and knowledge, and we had a great “chat”.  I’m waiting for her to let me know if I can use her link in my post, so I will add it tomorrow if she allows me too. (damn time difference and personal lives)  She is very helpful and has set up a fb group on blogging too.  UPDATE… I talked to her, and she said “cool”  so here is her link, if you want to join the group or connect.  Sophie is awesome!   Bloggers going pro facebook group .

As for my hand held whirlpool tub jet, I am at a dead end for the night.  I have no model or serial number, just a broken jet.  BUT, I had a fantastic, and somewhat productive day!! “Joy” listened to me whine about my empty nest syndrome, and every other adhd topic that came to mind….maybe I do owe her a REAL “very expensive hibachi grill in the area” for lunch after all ?!?!  Maybe a dinner too?

If I didn’t bore you, or put you to sleep and you are still reading….THANK YOU!!!  I needed this kind of day with this kind of friend ( the one who you aren’t sure who is the bad influence) to remind me that I am more than a mother, more than ms, and it’s ok to have some down days.  (ty to those that commented on my post the other night)

Okay no cliche’s tonight.  Have a wonderful evening everyone! I hope I didn’t “overshare”.  ( I am working on a “disclaimer” for the website, but I don’t think “I have no filter” is enough)  In fact, since the 4th person has recommended that I made a video or video blog, I am thinking of giving that a try in the upcoming weeks… so much to learn…..

Finding the positive in a bad situation

~ msgracefulnot ~ 2 Comments

Yesterday was a pretty PERFECT day.  I am sure as I tell you about it, you might think I have come unhinged or am joking, but please keep reading and hopefully you will see why before I am finished.

I woke up at 6 am, fed the dogs, and realized I wasn’t going to have time to do my mile on the treadmill before I had to leave at 7. 😦  That meant it was going to be so much harder in the afternoon.  😦 STAY FOCUSED. It didn’t matter, I was going to traffic court with my daughter for a pretty bad speeding ticket, and I should probably at least be showered when I showed up.  I took a shower, threw on some “presentable” clothes, loaded my dogs in the car and headed out the door.  (I share “custody” of my dogs with my kid, but more about that another time)

I got to her house at 7:30 and she was still getting ready, which was fine.  (I hadn’t planned on her being ready anyway; and we didn’t have to leave for a 1/2 hour.)  We talked for a moment about whether we were riding together or separate and came to the conclusion that we would have to drive separate because we were going in different directions afterward.  😦 (I had hoped to use the drive to “catch up” on her busy 20 year old life.)

We left for the courthouse at 8:00, went through security with the “want to be cops” who insisted that I pull my keys out of the bottom of my suitcase of a purse and put them in an individual tray even though my purse was going through an XRAY machine?!?!?  (Yes I was being petty and judgmental, but please stick with me)  I silently did as I was told, and we made our way to the courtroom only to find out that her lawyer wasn’t there.  (SMH, you have got to be kidding me!!!)  Court started at 8:30 and the lawyer’s office didn’t open until 9. Not that I could call them anyway since I left my phone in the car because unfortunately, I have to been to traffic court enough times to know that phones are not allowed.  ARGH!

We entered the courtroom and waited for my daughter’s name to be called.  When it was, the state’s attorney called us to the back of the courtroom to offer her a deal.  We told him that her attorney hadn’t showed up yet, and that we needed more clarification about his offer.  As soon as I said she had a lawyer, he said he couldn’t talk to us anymore without the lawyer present.  (well that’s a hell of a catch 22 don’t you think….we couldn’t locate her lawyer!!!!!)…. argh and argh!!  He agreed to “mark us present” and let us go into the hall to decide what to do next.

While we were discussing her options and the hallway was clearing out, I had noticed that ONE lawyer had come into the hall numerous times calling for his client.  I made a joke that if he would find my daughter’s lawyer, I would find his client.  He went back into the courtroom and came back 60 seconds later saying that he couldn’t find her lawyer.  I told him I was sorry I had looked everywhere and couldn’t find his missing client either. 😉 (yes this was only 60 seconds)

Wow this is getting lengthy,  if you’re still here please stay with me, I promise there is a point and I will try to summarize more.  The attorney said he would not charge us to talk to him for a few minutes if we wanted to talk.  We did!  The very last thing he said to us while we were in the itty bitty room was, “If you were my daughter, I would tell you to take some time to think about your options.  You do have the right to ask for a continuance and you have a lot to think about.  Here is my card, if you decide you would like to hire me.  Good luck with whatever you decide.”

It was now 9 am.  Time to call the “missing attorney” and give him a piece of my mind. I sent my daughter back into the courtroom to let the state’s attorney know we were still looking for her lawyer.  OH SHIT I DIDN”T HAVE MY PHONE! (not to mention the time or energy to go all the way back to my car to get it)  I asked a complete stranger if I could use her phone, SHE LET ME!!!!!!!!! (yes I was shocked)  I quickly called the attorney’s office only to be told by the receptionist that she didn’t know where he was, but she would ATTEMPT to locate him and call me back.  SMH…ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME?!?!!?  I hung up, closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

When I walked back into the courtroom, my daughter was standing in front of the judge with the state’s attorney and the entire courtroom was empty.  The judge said, “Well come on up, we’ve been waiting for you”. (I thought, “Oh shit, she’s going to jail, I’ve pissed the judge off, and he is going to make HER pay.”)

Because this is my daughter’s life, and it’s not my right to share more, let me just tell you that my daughter did not go to jail. She got a speeding ticket and because we live in IL and she is 20 years old the consequences are pretty hefty.  (max penalty 1500$ fine and/or jail time, and possible license suspension…. OUCH)

AND FINALLY TO THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE STORY……

As we left the courtroom I sat down and took another deep breath.  I felt so grateful for so many things.

I am grateful that although my daughter has a terrible lead foot; (yes I think it is hereditary) She took responsibility for her mistakes.  She faced so many fears that morning and handled it like a champ!  While I was waiting for her to get ready for court, I was glancing around her house feeling proud that she seemed to have a pretty good handle on adulting.  Dishes were done, animals had food and water, the house was clean.  ( Big improvement from when she was 18)

I am Grateful for the attorney that took his time to calm a mother’s fears.  (I know he was looking for business too, that’s his job, but he didn’t have to do be as nice about it)

I am Grateful for the woman that still has enough trust to hand her phone over to a complete stranger. (Even though I looked like a frantic crazy woman)

I can list so many more things that I am Grateful for, but for fear of losing you.  I want to state my final points.  They are all pretty much cliche, but maybe now you can understand why I am saying them.

  1. Be Grateful for the small things in life.
  2. Try to focus on the positive when it feels like the world is turning upside down
  3. Be kind to strangers
  4. Remain Calm
  5. Own your shit
  6. Focus on what you CAN control
  7. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst
  8. Don’t judge other people!!!!

As we left the courthouse, I felt terrible for judging and labeling the security guards as “want to be cops”, they were just doing their jobs who the hell was I to judge.  I approached them and asked if I could talk to them for a few minutes. During our conversation, I learned the reason the keys have to go in a separate container.  I didn’t realize that they couldn’t tell if I had pepper spray or a knife attached to my keys if they were in a bag with other junk.  They ask you to put them in the container so they can do their jobs of protecting people better by examining them closer.  Yes I feel silly that I judged, but also Grateful that I learned something new.

New challenge for myself, spend the rest of this week remembering AND applying # 1-8.