There are flashlights everywhere

Last week?  I think it was last week, I asked someone to hold the flashlight for me.  I don’t know why I was so surprised by the number of offers I received, but I  was genuinely and pleasantly surprised.  Thank YOU for that!

In my post I talked about how I don’t do “feelings” very well, and that I was going to take some time working on that.  What I have discovered is that I am not very nice to myself.  My ‘inner’ voice says the most atrocious things to myself.  I call myself fat.  I call myself lazy.  I call myself mean, and to be honest, I am very mean TO MYSELF.  “you should have done better , Why didn’t you try harder? You should have been able to fix that!!!”

Did I mention pretty fucking mean?  The thing is the things I say to myself, I would never say to another human being.  EVER!.  So why is it ok to say it to myself?!?!?  I’ve been spending the last week trying to find the answer to that question, and I have come up with…. IT’S NOT OKAY!

That’s as far as I have gotten with my observations.

I am very mean to myself and IT IS NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tried the whole stand in front of the mirror and telling myself that I am a warrior thing, which resulted in my spitting toothpaste on the mirror.  When I finished cleaning that up, I did realize that I was laughing.  I also came to the conclusion that laughing makes up two of my strengths.  1.  I have a good sense of humor.  AND 2.  I am able to laugh at myself.  Those are both good qualities to have.

A third “positive affirmation” that I was able to come up with, is that I am good at making people feel good about themselves.  It truly makes me happy to watch someone grow and stand taller.  I need to spend more time thinking about how I do that and apply it to myself.

Before I go, I want to thank you all for your comments and messages, it really does help to know that I’m not alone here in the dark.

Stranger on the plane

As I wrote yesterday or the day before (damn the last week is a blur), I was pretty paranoid about leaving vegas after what happened last time I said goodbye to a friend.  All the bullshit I went through at the airport in Houston to get to vegas, had me dreading the trip even more.  (another story for another time)

As I walked through the door of the airport, a sudden calm washed over me.  Maybe it was the xanax kicking in, maybe it was that I was going to home to see girls, I honestly don’t know what it was.  Maybe it was exhaustion?  Either way I had not a care in the world.  I didn’t take more than 10 steps into the door before I found a porter ready and waiting with a wheelchair for me.  When I showed him the boarding pass on my phone I realized I was in seat 8F  ( yah window seat….maybe I could sleep?).

I barely remember that pat down, even though the foley catheter (who’s name is boppy, for bag of pee) set off the metal wand, I really don’t remember much about it.  We stopped for coffee and I was deposited at the gate.

I was the first to board the plane (after the pilot and flight attendants.)  The agent that took me to the plane even stashed my bag overhead for me.  I balled up my sweatshirt and laid my head on it closing my eyes to let the world drift away.  I couldn’t have slept more than a few minutes, before being awaken by this sight.flight home (9)

Meet Timmy

Timmy is the service dog for my new friend Bob…… Bob has Retinitis Pigmentosa, and is going blind, or as doctors have told him, he should have been completely blind years ago.  But I am getting ahead of myself, let me take a few steps back.

So I open my eyes, see this beautiful patient dog looking at me and let my eyes wonder up the harness to the man holding it.  He asks, “Are you ok with dogs?”…. I kind of shook my head and muttered, “um yeah, but where is he going to sit?”   thinking….Does he get a seat? are you putting a seat belt on him? is he going to sit on your lap?  The stranger responded, “oh he’s just going to sit down under our legs”   HUH?  (remember I have a German shepherd, who always TRIES to lay under my legs)…. Again, Ok.

Sure enough, Timmy laid under the seat in front of the stranger and between his legs.  As the other passengers finished boarding, the stranger allowed me to take several pictures, an introduce myself to Timmy.  At one point he said, I have RP and this is my service dog.  I actually knew what RP was…..well kind of, I knew how to say it, and that it meant he was going blind.  I think I surprised the hell out of him that I had heard of his condition.  You see, I follow and greatly admire the writer Susan Richardson, the author of Stories from the Edge of Blindness.  Susan has also been diagnosed and living with RP for 16 years.  If you don’t know Susan, please check out her blog, you won’t be sorry.

So back to the “stranger” on the plane, His name is Bob by the way, and by the end of the flight, he really was no stranger at all, but an incredible, smart, friendly guy.  We talked for the full four hours of our flight ( although it really felt much shorter than that)  We discussed politics.  yes I said discussed.  We disagreed about a few things, but I think we both LEARNED from each other.

When we were discussing how to find happiness while living with a health condition, he taught me a new term, “stamp collector” to describe a person that holds on to any and every misdeed that someone has done to  them.  We both agreed the secret to happiness is NOT collecting stamps, both literally and figuratively.

I could go on and on about the things we talked about, but I guess the whole point of this post, is that I am glad a “stranger” took a chance to open up about themselves and took the time to listen to another stranger’s stories and opinions.

I’m not a religious person by any means, but I do feel like I was “blessed” that day on my way home, and I am grateful for it.  I am also very grateful to have met so many wonderful new friends here on the interwebz.  Sincerely, I Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart.

Soon, I’m going to have to tell you all about my Best Friend Gary, (the reason I went to Vegas), and about all the things he did to keep my mind occupied while I was there.  I really am a lucky girl.  For now though, I have the pleasure of Dutch’s company while Dan’s family finds a new home back in Illinois.

dutch

Is it a guy thing or a puppy thing that makes them take EVERY toy out of the bin?!?!?  lol

ME and my bag of PEE

I wrote last week that I was going on another “adventure”.  Maybe I shouldn’t have SAID anything?… Somehow MS found out that I am going away and decided that there was no way in hell I would be traveling without it.  GRRRRR

I realize that MS has a place in my life.  I make room and accommodate it’s demands all the time, but just ONCE I would like it to stay in the background a little more.

I should probably get to the actual point of this rant huh?

As I finished packing this morning, I had to pee again FOR THE 4th TIME IN LESS THAN AN HOUR!!!! Seriously?!?!  I just had PTNS last week, and Botox surgery in February for this.  I shouldn’t be having problems again this soon!

Thinking that it is  better to be safe than sorry, I called the doctor’s office.  They agreed that maybe I had a UTI and should come in to rule that out.  (yah for getting me in so quickly)…. Urine test complete, no UTI, but they still want to put me on antibiotics anyway, and suggested I use the Foley catheter for my whole trip. 😦

I am actually ok with having to use the catheter, lord knows I’ve been dealing with incontinence long enough, and who would want to have to pull off the interstate 4 times an hour for a 16 hour road trip?  The thing that stresses me out is having to deal with people’s reactions to seeing someone with a bag of pee strapped to their leg in public.

Well you could cover it up Grace?

Why?  So other people are more comfortable?  Not a chance!  The weather in Texas and Las Vegas is supposed to be in the 100’s, no chance in hell I am going to wear pants.  I have already given up half of my suitcase for incontinence supplies, medications, and such.  The only way I have half a chance in hell of surviving the heat is wearing shorts and tshirts or tank tops.  I had hoped to stay in/or by the pool while in Vegas, and I realize if I can’t get these symptoms to calm down I MIGHT have to give that idea up though :(… we shall see….

I’ve got this!…The only thing left is to come up with a name for my “companion”….Any suggestions?

 

 

Always an Adventure

I don’t even finish one adventure before I start looking for or planning the next one.

While we were in Boston, K was constantly on the phone with her husband trying to figure out the logistics for their relocation to Texas in July of this year.  Before I knew what I was doing, either alcohol or I said, “Just rent a fricking truck or trailer, and I will drive.”…..”NOW, will you get off the phone?!?!?”….and that’s how it all started….well at least that’s how I remember it.

Fast forward to last week….

I got a message from K’s husband D, “Were you serious about driving the truck to Texas for us?”…. I responded, “sure, as long as you get me home when I’m done.”  (I don’t THINK I was drinking that night)  Anyway….guess what….. I’m going to Texas!!!!!…. um next week……

and that’s not all…..

While I am in Texas, I am going to meet my friend ‘Ghost’s’, girlfriend Jackie.  Do you remember me talking about Ghost?  He suffered a stroke at the end of November, and most of my communication with him since then has been through his girlfriend Jackie.  In the back of my mind, I had been hoping to make a trip to Florida to see them and some other friends later this year,  but I haven’t set a date yet….

Wait a minute Grace, you just said you are going to Texas, but they live in Florida, you’re going to Florida too?……  NOPE!….Jackie will be in Texas the same week I am, so we are gonna meet for coffee.   What a small fricking world huh?

but wait there is more….

While I was pricing airfare from Houston to Ohare, I discovered (yes there was alcohol involved again), that it would actually be cheaper for me to fly to vegas and THEN home….. hmmmm Vegas….my best Friend Gary lives in Vegas, and it’s been a few years since we have been in the same room together…..

Ok truth be told, I am geographically challenged, and honestly thought that Nevada was directly North of Texas, so why not “stop in” and say hello.  It was just lucky for me that when you travel at the butt crack of dawn and use carry on luggage only the cost for two one way tickets was cheaper and timing was better for pick up and drop offs than a flight from Houston to Ohare…..

I know that this story has been all over the place (literally) so let me recap, before I continue.  Next week, I drive a truck in a convoy with friends to Texas.  While in Texas, I meet a friend from Florida who will be in town. Then I fly to Vegas to stay with my best friend for a couple days …..AND….one more thing…..

I get to meet Paige from Page’s of Paige A couple weeks ago, Paige posted that she will be moving to Vegas in the near future.  Ever since I read her first post, I have wanted to meet her.  This kid has some spunk.  She is constantly challenging herself to try new things, and although I call her “kiddo” she is wise beyond her years.

I think I have said it 10,000,000 times before, but in case anyone missed it…. I LOVE meeting new people, and I am always looking for a new adventure….keep that in mind if you are ever heading this way, or let me know if your couch is free for a couple days, just remember that I am that friend……

that one friend

Oh and the next adventure in the works is one more stateside trip this year and Italy next year…whoot whoot

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

So last night, after avoiding the forced Microsoft update for more than a couple weeks, I finally Clicked that damn button.  After what FELT like hours ( because my cell phone is “in the shop” and it was pouring rain outside) the upgrade was finished.  I restarted my computer, and was met with ” a new and improved” sign in option to use a pin and biometrics.  Biometrics?  Now you want MY BLOOD?!?!?…

Ok, not my blood…YET… just my fingerprints and/ or an iris scan. And they are “selling you all of this to make you feel safe?!?!?  Where are you going to store this information?  How are you going to protect me from hackers who can download the information and duplicate it to steal my identity?!?!

That’s ok, you don’t have to answer.  The fact that I signed in on May 14, 2018 and didn’t immediately throw my computer out the window says that I’m surrendering any right to fight you right?  may 1Funny that you’re telling me I need to then close my Microsoft account before May 1, 2018 if I don’t like it.

Apparently I was looking for a fight last night (and maybe still am today), so I continued reading the terms I “agreed” to.

In the Code of Conduct section, we’ve clarified that you should not publicly display or use the Services to share inappropriate content or material, including involving offensive language, and that you should not engage in activity that is fraudulent. Inappropriate content means illegal or harmful content, and offensive language means violent, profane, or hateful language. We’ve made this change to ensure the public parts of our Services are safe and secure for all customers. This doesn’t change our existing policies – it simply clarifies that inappropriate content includes offensive language, among other things.

WHAT THE FUCK EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does that mean I need to start learning linux?  and would that even help?

Several months ago I wrote a post, Is it possible to go off the grid?   Many of the responses I received said the using the internet etc was a privilege not a right.  I can understand that line of thinking, but are you sure you really know exactly what you are paying for that privilege or convenience?

I’m not trying to tell everyone to ditch their phones and their computers etc.  I am asking you to think about it.  Are you so dependent on your technology that you are allowing others to control your actions?