A Trailer “fell in my lap”

February 27, 2018October 5, 2018 ~ msgracefulnot ~ 17 Comments

Ok not literally, but YAH I have a “Free trailer”

I have mentioned before that I grew up “in the sticks”, and I have also alluded to the fact that I was kind of raised as a tom boy. I know how to drive a tractor, trailer, dirt bikes, 3 wheelers, and even a skid loader. My father owns many of these items, but in his “old age” I think he has “forgotten” how to use them. I am being very sarcastic here, because he still uses them all the time, except for in the winter. For some silly reason, he no longer takes his truck off road, he barely takes it out in the winter for fear of rust….SMH (more sarcasm) AND when he bought his newest truck, he bought one with only a 6 foot bed.

(The guy who raised me telling me that if you couldn’t fit a full sheet of drywall or plywood in the back of a truck it wasn’t a REAL Truck, bought a truck with a 6 foot bed!!!!!!!!) SMH He even owns two plows, but doesn’t drive his “new baby” in the winter?!?!??!?!

Figuring I still had a few more weeks of winter before I had access to a truck and trailer, and the ‘silly doctor’s’ “don’t lift 15 lbs for 2 weeks limit” I’d been packing a little here and a little there to try to respect the doctor’s restriction, so I had stacks and stacks of rubbermaid totes all over Einstein’s house. ( a few in this room and a few in that room) but then a trailer “fell in my lap”….how could I resist?!?!?

Thing two and her boyfriend “D” were using D’s truck with my father’s trailer to move a couple motorcycles and I “conned” D into giving me a couple hours of his time in exchange for homemade lasagna. The ‘Catch’ was, I only had the trailer and D’s help for a couple hours…. hurry hurry hurry.

OK PRIORITIZE, what goes first?

Air mattress already set up at the new place…so don’t worry about the bed
You’ve got some clothes and essentials there so don’t bother with more ( besides they will fit in your car)
The most important non negotiable material things that I need a trailer for are my Grandma’s kitchen table and my desk (both had to be disassembled though) So I decided to start there. I went into the office…and froze… OMG this is real.

Anxiety Can Paralyze You

I immediately started having doubts. “Were things really that bad here?” “So much work, for so many years….shouldn’t I try harder?” It didn’t help that Einstein has been the man I fell in love with for the last couple weeks since I said I was moving, he even tried to take care of me post surgery and cooked me dinner?!??! (ftr this has NEVER happened) He helped me with a 3 d printer design and and and….. oh no….NOT AGAIN….. You’ve got this Grace. So I froze. and then I stopped breathing….wtf?!?!? I was just about to walk out of the office making excuses that I should follow doctors orders blah blah blah and then not one but two familiar faces popped up on messenger….”Just checking on you grace.” Suddenly I could breathe again. (This anxiety shit really is no joke.)

The Therapeutic Power of Music

I selected random play for the music on my phone and Kesha “Praying” came on. ( I am in no way religious, although maybe it would be helpful if I was, I am not. It doesn’t change the fact that the song is incredible and something I will continue to listen to) If you have a second, the link is for her official video, and for me it hits home. The next song was “New Rules” by Dua Lipa, followed by “Not meant to be” by Theory of a Deadman. Before I knew it the desk was not only disassembled, but I had dragged it out of the “office” to the front door. I set up a card table where the desk used to be and reconnected my computer. The legs were removed from my Grandma’s table ( I couldn’t dream of moving that by myself though, WAY TOO HEAVY) But I did it!

One Step at a Time

The Finale is really only the beginning

February 26, 2018February 26, 2018 ~ msgracefulnot ~ 9 Comments

As I sat trying to figure out how I was going to move ALL of my belongings from a however many foot ranch with a full basement to a one bedroom “apartment” ( kind of) I felt like a teenager again. My coffee pot is set up in the bathroom (to try to conserve space) but yah closer to where my desk will be set up? I am trying to look at this as a fresh start where anything is possible. Sure it’s scary, most new things are.

I am/was struggling with what material things need to come with me and which ones will go to storage. But yah that will help me focus on what is most important to me?

The photo albums do have to come!

Actually I think I am going to start scrapbooking again as a healing tool. Originally, I started scrap booking ( more picture taking with LOTS of journaling) for my children. In addition to being diagnosed with MS at 26, I was also diagnosed with cervical cancer AND my kidneys were being damaged because of my inability to urinate. I was afraid that I was dying and no one would tell them the “whole story” about their mother. I knew people would share the pedestal stories with them, but I also wanted them to know the one’s that I am not proud of, and about the personal struggles I faced.

I started making and filling photo albums, not only about my life but albums for each of my girls highlighting their birthdays, sports, Christmas parties, school events etc….who knew that I would end up with so many?!?!?!

I have scanned most of the albums to disk and tried to give the actual books to my daughters, now that they have homes of their own, but they don’t want to store them. They also will not let me throw them away….smh… Whoever said raising girls was easy, can kiss my ass!!!!!

To be honest, I don’t think I could throw them out either.

Ok so the photo albums are coming with me. (This is only one load in the back of my car.) The final deciding factor to bring them with though, is so that they will serve as a visual reminder for myself of all the things I have survived, and all of the good times I have had in my life for the days that I don’t feel strong enough.

Thank you for your support

February 25, 2018October 5, 2018 ~ msgracefulnot ~ 9 Comments

Earlier this week, I hope you saw the wonderful guest posts by Steve Markesich @ MSich Chronicles, Alyssa @ fightmsdaily, and Alex @ MS with Ms Alex! If you missed their posts or have not seen their blogs, please take a minute to check them out! These people are not only positive inspirations to those of us living with Multiple Sclerosis, but for me they have all become friends outside of the blogging world. Alex and Steve have heard my tears, and offered their support and encouragement on numerous occasions. Alyssa sends me frequent messages ‘just checking in’. It is SO helpful to know that you are not alone when you are struggling!!!!!

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst

Something that MS has taught me is to try to plan ahead…to prepare for the worst, while hoping for the best. I knew that this last week was going to be difficult for me: recovering from my own surgery, taking care of my father while he recovered from his surgery (which was cancelled and rescheduled), packing and moving, slump week, etc etc, so I reached out to my friends and asked them for “help”.

Asking for help is so hard

Even when I write about “not fun” or painful subjects, I try to keep things “humorous”. I didn’t want to feel as if I HAD to write something, so as hard as it is to ask for help, I am glad I did. (trust me if you were in my head with all the mood swings etc , you would block me, ignore me, or otherwise, cut me out of your life, so I decided to “remain silent”) I won’t claim that having my friends guest blog, helped me FOCUS, but it did allow me time to try to wrap my head around everything that is happening, and to start getting “shit” done.

Better than I hoped

While I knew that my fellow bloggers would not disappoint with their pieces, I was surprised at the things that I learned from their writings. I really wish I had Steve’s letter to himself (pre-Ms) when I was diagnosed. It really is great advice!!!!! Alyssa’s Guest blog about the things she has tried for MS reminded me that we are all different, and that MS really is a snowflake disease. (I’ve said it before, but it really hit home) You have to fight for yourself, and what works for me, may not work for you. Finally Alex’s post called the do’s and dont’s of MS, in which she shares how her “attitude” and sense of humor keep her going. Alex is not only determined not to let MS define her, but she kicks ass for everyone around her as well.

THANK YOU again my friends

Thank you! Not only for taking the time to share on my blog, but for making a place for me in your lives, and helping me get through this rough patch. I really did accomplish a lot, the worst events of the week were the alone time (when I was left alone with my thoughts)

BUT each day, I filled my car from floor to ceiling (hindsight says that was probably not the smartest way) and drove to my “new” place and unloaded my car. Some days I even managed a second trip.

To “keep things interesting”, let me add that this move is “double duty”. Before I could move anything in, I had to begin emptying and cleaning the things that were left behind including the the ceramic tiles and tub from a bathroom. But YAH, I am making progress!!!

The Do’s and Dont’s Of MS

February 23, 2018February 23, 2018 ~ mswithmsalex ~ 21 Comments

I start this with entry with the do’s and don’ts of MS. Pretty serious shit right? Not really I’m just kidding. I know I’m an ass, but thats my coping technique . Everyone has their own way of dealing. Mine is by being a jokester. Ya know putting a funny spin on a shitty disease is pretty therapeutic. So here I go…..

There aren’t any do’s and don’ts of MS. Everyone’s MS is different. I guess I should start with a little history and then go on to my way of dealing with MS the gift that keeps giving.

I was 34, I was a realtor at that point in my life. The market was at peak and I was cleaning up. Kicking ass and taking numbers. My boys was 14 and 12. I was married to the man of my dreams. I was walking in tall cotton as they say in the South.

Then suddenly one day my right arm started going numb. Hmmmmm curious. I chalked it up to a heavy purse. I’m known for carrying anything and everything in my big old purse. So I empty the purse and cut it down to the bare minimum. I cut it down to make up, money and my handi dandy knife. After all what hispanic gal would go about her day without a blade handy. Just kidding it was a Swiss army knife. Problem solved right? So I thought. It didn’t help. I went to my GP because the numbness was spreading. I also had a rash at the base of my scalp. A couple of weeks prior I had gotten a tetanus shot for a cut and experienced flu like symptoms. So my GP sent me to a neurologist. That neuro thought I had a basal migraine. I wound up finding another Neuro after several months of no real answers and a ton of crappy meds that didn’t help. By that time I was completely dead on my right side and I was dragging my right leg. The new neuro did the necessary test and came back with a diagnosis of MS.

I knew nothing of this disease. I was scared shitless!!!! As I’m sure most of you have been. Long story short I educated myself. Stayed on top of the different research etc. In other words I took as much control as I possibly could. The other thing I did was I didn’t wallow in self pity. I pretended for many years to be A ok. Ya know what? I was A ok to a certain degree. But I wasn’t completely honest with family and friends. I didn’t let them see the struggle for what it was. In my case it kind of hurt me because no one really knew how to deal with me as my disease progressed. My bit of advice on this subject is tell people the truth. Tell them the struggle when you need to but don’t, I repeat don’t get lost in this disease. Whatever you do don’t let this shit consume you!!! Speak your piece and then move on.

I went to different MS meet ups etc. These functions depressed the shit out of me. It was a bunch of really sick people gathering to complain. Both the women and the men appeared to have lost all will to live. I was like WTH? I’m not like these people. I still put on my make up, did my hair and dressed snazzy. I refused to let MS steal my sparkle and shine. Whatever you do being a guy or gal continue doing the stuff you did prior to MS diagnosis. If you did your hair and make up before please continue to do so. If you played Basket ball, golf or other sports prior to dx please continue to do those things on good days if you can. Don’t fall into the I’m too sick to do anything. I don’t primp or play golf on bad days but you can damn sure bet on a good day I’m doing all the things I love.

Don’t lose YOU behind being sick. YOU ARE MORE THAN MS!!!!!!

With all that being said I also encourage a healthy diet and exercise. I don’t recommend any particular diet because in my case Ive tried many different MS diets. None have worked for me. I still progressed. Some people I know do certain diets and manage quite well but in my opinion there is no cure diet. I do agree that what we put in our body is important but to say a diet cured someone of MS is ridiculous. I personally think that people that claim they have been cured of MS from a diet probably have a mild form of the disease. But thats my opinion. Do as you wish. We all need to do our own thing to see what’s a good fit.

Another piece of advice is make sure you find a dr. that you feel comfortable with. I’ve been through several. Don’t let a dr. bully you. Your fears are valid. Your symptoms are real. Don’t let anyone make you feel crazy just because they’re not familiar with your particular situation. Always remember you are paying them NOT the other way around! Be your own patient advocate. You have a mouth and a voice a deserve to be heard!

My last bit of advice is to stay as positive as you possibly can. Always remember it can always be worse. Don’t concentrate on what might happen, concentrate on whats going on right now. Life is full of what if’s that never actually happen. My dr’s have told me over and over Id be in a wheelchair years ago. Even the last dr. I left insisted i’d be in a wheelchair in a couple of years. I’m not! I do go between a walker and a cane. But I will rehab again just like I have over the past 14 yrs. I still walk, garden and play golf when I feel up to it. I’m not letting some dr. dictate how I view my disease.

I do admit my life has changed drastically, I had to leave a career I loved and lost the ability to drive for the most part. But i’ll be damned if I lose ME. I’m still Alex the cussing, silly, life of the party. I’ve learned to take things slower and rest when need be.But I never lost ME. Please don’t lose you. We’re all here for a reason. Make it count!

Some get angry because of this illness. I’ve been sad and stressed and disgusted with my progression over the years, but at the end of the day I’m grateful for the true appreciation I have for the little things. What gave me this appreciation you ask? MS thats what gave me this appreciation. People walk through life perfectly healthy and don’t have the appreciation I have for the little things. You can make your life a positive experience or a negative one. That is purely up to you. Appreciate what you do have, there is someone out there wishing they had what you have.

Please put more on my plate?!?!

February 18, 2018February 19, 2018 ~ msgracefulnot ~ 8 Comments

When you are making “to do lists”, it is important to prioritize your tasks so that you don’t get overwhelmed, however, sometimes due to other circumstances ,or other people’s influences (which happens all to frequently for me) it seems that everything has to be done at once.

My kiddo is getting married in March. The date is picked, event is planned, and everything is paid for, now it’s a matter of waiting for it to happen. (Which as that day draws closer will cause a whole new TO DO list to be created.) but for now I can let that rest. My kiddo is hyper organized and I’m really just here to do what she asks of me and for moral support.
Botox Surgery– Yah this date has come and gone thankfully, but I DID NOT expect the 15 lb weight lifting limit for 2 weeks. (yeah that’s not gonna work for me)
Getting off the Grace/Einstein roller coaster. (My body kind of decided this one for me). I have realized that when the heart and brain argue, it’s really the liver that pays for it. I have finally figured out where I will be living, but not all the logistics of it yet. It’s the fricking middle of winter Grace, GREAT timing!!!!…smh
Planning my trip to Boston and blogging about it. (This has been temporarily tabled for now.) Airfare is purchased, and sleeping arrangements have been made and “paid for”. More about that later though. (I will get to finishing the posts about that but again, tabled for now)
The newest, most pressing issue is that my father is having his shoulder replaced next week. It’s funny, I have literally had over 40 surgeries in my life and for the most part, I take the procedure and recovery in stride, but I am losing my shit about my DAD having surgery. I really can NOT handle my loved ones going through pain. I would gladly take his place, ok well maybe not gladly, but if he could avoid it, I would certainly step in his place.

On a positive note, I have the time to be there. I HAVE to be there. As I mentioned before, I am always the patient. I know the rules for that. I know that I have to fast for at least 12 hours before surgery. I know that I can’t wear make up, jewelry, deodorant etc. I know most of the staff in the surgery center of my local hospital by name, and I even know some of their children’s names. I know the drill. But NOT this time.

My father’s surgery is being performed at their local hospital (an hour away). I don’t know the doctor, or the doctor’s abilities. I don’t know the staff, I don’t know….oh my god I just don’t know. I do know my role as a patient, but I don’t know how to be the one on the outside waiting. Any advice? Please?

Update

Surgery is being rescheduled……. (at least I got the call before I drove all the way out there). Doesn’t make me any less nervous though