Tag: dealing with anxiety

“Running” from Anxiety

~ msgracefulnot ~ 10 Comments

I’m starting to think that trying to run from anxiety doesn’t work.  I thought I was done packing, my suitcase is totally crammed, yet anxiety has still found me and is trying to find a place amongst my trip.  YOU CAN’T COME WITH YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!!!!! (anxiety)

I woke up this morning after my Tysabri infusion (recharge) yesterday feeling great.  My suitcase has been packed for two days.  I even had the forethought to wear both a hooded sweatshirt AND my leather bomber on the plane to “save space” in my suitcase (did I mention my suitcase is REALLY REALLY packed?)

For some reason, BEFORE I leave for a trip I have to clean my house entirely.  This includes floor washing, laundry completed, all garbage cans emptied, and all projects “put away”.  While most of the new tub was installed last week, I still had some caulking and “void filling” to do from where the old tub was.  So since the housework was done, why not “knock that out” too?

There is NOTHING GREAT about “Great Stuff”

That shit is Evil!  and now….. it is Everywhere….including my hands.  Normally this wouldn’t really bother me much, it will wear off and where the hell am I going that someone is going to examine my hands….. and then it occurred to me……

When I have my “pat down”  at security tomorrow morning, they are also going to swab my hands to test for something.  I still never bothered to ask what they are testing for, I just know that they are going to test. (I assume bomb making chemicals or something)  It’s never been an issue, so I just let them do their thing.  BUT, I probably shouldn’t put pure acetone on my hands, or paint thinner, or gasoline…etc etc…  How the hell do I get this off?!?!?  OMG what if “GREAT STUFF” has the chemicals in it that will make it look like I made a bomb?!?!?    I thought about googling it, but then worried that I would be red flagged for googling such a thing before getting on a flight (hell writing this post may be the only red flag they think they need)

Yes I do realize that I have absolutely NO CONTROL about what will happen tomorrow.  What’s done is done.  But it took me two hours (and a beer) to calm down enough to put things in perspective.  I HATE ANXIETY!!!!!

While in panic mode, I called the airline to make sure they knew I needed a wheelchair and I searched for a blog that Damn Girl Get your shit together wrote a couple of weeks ago about What to do when you are freaking the fuck out. While rereading her post, I also remember commenting on it, but couldn’t remember what I had said other than “Yep, I need to do that”, so I searched for my comment and reread it.  I meant what I said about putting things in perspective, but I had forgotten.  As I was thinking, I also remembered that I have survived worse, and my breathing finally started to slow down.

I think the real problem is that I try to CONTROL too many things.  So what if they question me at security?  Worse case scenario, I have a great story to tell in the future.  I already know that it takes me longer to get through security than most people and have planned to allow extra time.  My flight leaves at 6 am, we will be there at 4 am, and what happens will happen.

Three friends have texted me that Chicago is “getting hit” with a wintry mix of snow/rain/ and freezing temperatures tonight.  Ok, so maybe I have to leave my house a bit earlier than 2:30 am?  (this won’t be the first time I have had to spend the first 8 hours of my trip sleeping)  More on that trip another time though.

One beer, has now turned into three, and I need to finish making dinner for my traveling companions who should be here soon.  See you all in a week!!!!!

A Trailer “fell in my lap”

~ msgracefulnot ~ 17 Comments

Ok not literally, but YAH I have a “Free trailer”

I have mentioned before that I grew up “in the sticks”, and I have also alluded to the fact that I was kind of raised as a tom boy.  I know how to drive a tractor, trailer, dirt bikes, 3 wheelers, and even a skid loader.  My father owns many of these items, but in his “old age” I think he has “forgotten” how to use them.  I am being very sarcastic here, because he still uses them all the time, except for in the winter.  For some silly reason, he no longer takes his truck off road, he barely takes it out in the winter for fear of rust….SMH (more sarcasm) AND when he bought his newest truck, he bought one with only a 6 foot bed.  real truck

(The guy who raised me telling me that if you couldn’t fit a full sheet of drywall or plywood in the back of a truck it wasn’t a REAL Truck, bought a truck with a 6 foot bed!!!!!!!!) SMH  He even owns two plows, but doesn’t drive his “new baby” in the winter?!?!??!?!

Figuring I still had a few more weeks of winter before I had access to a truck and trailer, and the ‘silly doctor’s’ “don’t lift 15 lbs for 2 weeks limit” I’d been packing a little here and a little there to try to respect the doctor’s restriction, so I had stacks and stacks of rubbermaid totes all over Einstein’s house. ( a few in this room and a few in that room)  but then a trailer “fell in my lap”….how could I resist?!?!?

Thing two and her boyfriend “D” were using D’s truck with my father’s trailer to move a couple motorcycles and I “conned” D into giving me a couple hours of his time in exchange for homemade lasagna.  The ‘Catch’ was, I only had the trailer and D’s help for a couple hours…. hurry hurry hurry.

OK PRIORITIZE, what goes first?

  • Air mattress already set up at the new place…so don’t worry about the bed
  • You’ve got some clothes and essentials there so don’t bother with more ( besides they will fit in your car)
  • The most important non negotiable material things that I need a trailer for are my Grandma’s kitchen table and my desk  (both had to be disassembled though)  So I decided to start there.  I went into the office…and froze… OMG this is real.

Anxiety Can Paralyze You

I immediately started having doubts.  “Were things really that bad here?”  “So much work, for so many years….shouldn’t I try harder?” It didn’t help that Einstein has been the man I fell in love with for the last couple weeks since I said I was moving, he even tried to take care of me post surgery and cooked me dinner?!??! (ftr this has NEVER happened) He helped me with a 3 d printer design and and and….. oh no….NOT AGAIN….. You’ve got this Grace.  So I froze. and then I stopped breathing….wtf?!?!?  I was just about to walk out of the office making excuses that I should follow doctors orders blah blah blah and then not one but two familiar faces popped up on messenger….”Just checking on you grace.”  Suddenly I could breathe again. (This anxiety shit really is no joke.)

The Therapeutic Power of Music

I selected random play for the music on my phone and Kesha “Praying” came on.  (  I am in no way religious, although maybe it would be helpful if I was, I am not.  It doesn’t change the fact that the song is incredible and something I will continue to listen to)  If you have a second, the link is for her official video, and for me it hits home.  The next song was “New Rules” by Dua Lipa, followed by “Not meant to be” by Theory of a Deadman.  Before I knew it the desk was not only disassembled, but I had dragged it out of the “office” to the front door.  I set up a card table where the desk used to be and reconnected my computer.  The legs were removed from my Grandma’s table ( I couldn’t dream of moving that by myself though, WAY TOO HEAVY)  But I did it!

One Step at a Time