Calling all Dog owners

Many of you know that Snuff is no longer with us.  I knew it was going to hurt like hell, but I had not counted on the additional pain of watching D.O.G. mourn Snuff.  FUCK!!!!

How do you help an animal grieve the loss of another?

When we got home from the animal hospital that night, D.O.G. was laying on the towel that snuff had been laying on that night.  She wouldn’t move.  She wouldn’t go outside, she wouldn’t eat, and didn’t even want to be cuddled.  Like me, my dogs are wanderers or travelers.  They have beds, bowls, and favorite spots at my house, Einstein’s, and at Thing Two’s.  Even though we don’t always sleep at the same house, the dog’s have never been apart.

The next morning, when I moved my car keys, D.O.G. popped up and ran right to the garage door.  Was she looking for Snuff?  Did she think Snuff was at my house, or did she just want to be home?  Did she know snuff wasn’t coming back?  Did she hurt as bad as I did?  So many questions and emotions.  I decided to take her home.

When we got home, she almost tripped me to get into the house where she immediately went room to room in search of….?  When I let her outside, she went ran the perimeter of my yard as well.  Once she was worn out, she crawled up next to me in bed, and wouldn’t leave my side.  I’m not sure if being there helped D.O.G. or not, but I was not ready to be there without Snuff, so we went back to Einstein’s that night.

Thing two asked if she could pick up D.O.G.  the next night after work.  Her house would be the last place D.O.G. would associate with Snuff, so maybe she could begin to understand Snuff wasn’t coming back.

Have you ever had to help one pet grieve the loss of another?  What things have you found make it easier?  Were there things that didn’t help? I have tried to keep our routine as similar as possible (feeding time, walk time, play time etc)  Until a few days ago, I had not removed Snuff’s dishes or kennel and D.O.G. spent most of her time lying on Snuff’s bed.

To complicate matters, I found a flea on D.O.G.  Are you freaking kidding me?!??!?  I have had dogs, my entire life and have NEVER had to deal with fleas, ticks, mites etc.  So I turned to Google.  Big mistake!  Google had me convinced that we all needed to shave all hair from our bodies and that I had to burn my house down.  ( Ok that was only my initial reaction…but ewwww)

What I HAVE done after telling Einstein and Thing Two, is steam clean my furniture and carpet.  I have bombed (Raid flea fogger) my house 2 times, and washed all bedding and toys in hot water.  (this is the reason I broke down Snuff’s kennel) 😦  I have flea dipped D.O.G. and check her daily but I am overly anxious that it is not enough.  Have you ever had to deal with fleas?  What steps did you have to take to be sure they were gone?

I know I have alot of questions in this post.  I am feeling very overwhelmed at the moment.  I appreciate any suggestions you might be willing to share.

On a final note, Snuff’s ashes have been returned to me.  In addition to putting them in an urn, Einstein put some in a necklace for me and Thing Two and put some aside to be added to the tattoo I got of her paw print on my right leg were she always stood.

Will you hold the flashlight?

So Yeah, I’m in a really dark place right now…. I chuckle as I say that because I think it almost goes without saying if you have talked with me recently, or read anything that I have written in the last month or so.

So now what?  What’s next?  What’s the plan?  How do I fix this?

I’m gonna stay right here for a little while and just be.  I am going to let myself FEEL each emotion GOOD, BAD, or UGLY and NOT judge them.  I am also not going to give myself a time limit on this.

I have mentioned before that I don’t “do feelings” well.  When I ‘mention’ it though, I say it offhandedly or in a joking matter, as I immediately begin looking for the next task or chore I am supposed to complete. (anything that I can do to “get out of my head”)

Over the last couple months, I have tried eating, drinking too much, smoking more, taking xanax and sleeping as much as possible.  If you have tried these things you know that they don’t really help, and are a temporary fix at best.  In fact, usually as in my case, they cause more problems.

So for now, I’m done running.  I need to sit in the dark a bit and just be, without a time limit.  I am, however, asking for someone to ‘hold the flashlight’ as I let my eyes adjust to the darkness that I have let consume me.

As I get ready to hit enter, I am acknowledging that I feel Fear.  I also feel vulnerable, and kind of weak at the moment.  I know these feelings will pass, but they are there.