Feel the Fear and DO IT ANYWAY!!!!

Two months ago, I decided to start a blog…this entire post is about my experiences in the last two months as I have challenged myself to step out of my comfort zone.  (kind of like a roller coaster ride)

Today’s personal challenge was to make an unedited video and post it.  TBH,  I have been thinking about it for about a month now, and talking myself out of it for one reason or another……. but I finally jumped and did it.

Before you watch the video, if you choose to, let me again state that there is no real point to the video, except that I needed to challenge myself to do something I was afraid of and I did it and it didn’t kill me…..YET.… my stomach is still in knots….

I began my blog/ website (whatever the technical term is about 2 months ago.)  I originally had thoughts about writing about Multiple Sclerosis, but what did I want to write about?  That it sucks?  Yes it does!  Ok, so not that….

How do you make the most of your life in spite of having MS?   Better…maybe.   So I decided to start there.  Please keep in mind, I also just jumped into the blog thing.  I had never heard of wordpress, and while I have taken a couple classes in html programming, I have never put my knowledge into practice.  I created an account on wordpress.com, paid $8.00 a month upfront for a year and then my mind went completely blank.  Oh shit now what?  This was my first blog post. 

I laughed so hard that day.  I was proud of myself for FINALLY taking that first step.  It just felt good.  I  spent the next couple of weeks writing SOMETHING almost everyday, but I could never focus on just one subject, some posts were about MS, some were technology struggles as I continued to dig into blogging concepts, some were just random rants about life.

After being in the blogging world for about a month, I realized that what I was actually trying to do is to Put myself out there, and to connect with other people.  I have enjoyed chatting with other bloggers and hearing their struggles.  I have met other people that are living with autoimmune disorders and chronic illnesses, and learned how they deal with life on a day to day basis.  I’ve made new friendships with “millennials”, and I have learned alot about myself in the process.  Most importantly, I have learned that I want to learn everything about everything, and I need to slow down a bit.

I still don’t have a topic to blog about, or a niche, other than reaching out to people, talking about my life, and learning about others.  If any of that sounds cool to you, say hello, let’s talk and get to know each other.  I’ve put myself out there, as scary as it was, so now it’s your turn.  I don’t mean hey let’s talk on the phone everyday or anything, but I mean let’s talk…really talk about any and everything….ok well maybe not anything, but maybe you get my point…..

Ok so now for the infamous, Link to COMPLETELY POINTLESS FIRST VIDEO

Again, posting this was a personal challenge for me.  I can already think of 5,000 things I could have or should have done.  But there it is…..

 

Just Breathe… Practice what you preach

Now that I have finally sat down again and am literally too exhausted to move, I have decided on a topic for today.  I had errands like crazy this morning and was trying to fit everything I had planned on doing on Thursday and Friday into today.  For what possible reason would a sane person try to fit 3 days worth of “chores” into one?  I may not be sane, but that isn’t point right now.

Tomorrow, I am having two biopsies on my Breast with a procedure known as Ultrasound- Guided Breast Biopsy.  I have had two mammograms that caused the technicians to give me that “I feel so sorry for you frown” and an ultrasound of my breast by “eyebrow girl”.  I don’t know her name or what expression she made because I was trying not to throw up in my mouth at her eyebrows.  People PAY to have this done?!?!?

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People PAY to have this done?!?!?

The following are my instructions for tomorrow:instructions

Hmmmmm…. I probably should bring a friend, but I have decided against it. Those well-meaning but still worried facial expressions that friends/family and apparently nurses can give are my undoing.  ( I call them the pity face or I’m so sorry and I have no clue what to say face).  But I digress….

What I actually want to write about is the expression that I always tell everyone and myself when they are nervous, scared, or waiting for test results….. JUST BREATHE.  I’m not talking about meditation. (Although I have heard that works).  I am talking about closing your eyes and taking a deep breath in through your nose and blowing out through your mouth.  TRY IT!

Close your eyes and Take a deep Breath, In through your nose and out through your mouth.  It really does help, if you take the time.

I know that breathing isn’t going to “fix” whatever is going on with me, but I do know that not breathing will not help and will probably cause a panic attack.

When I left the hospital with my instruction card, I sat in my car having a blender of crazy/ random thoughts including: Look up the warnings for breast cancer….DO NOT LOOK UP THE WARNINGS….Dr. Google is scary….SON OF A BITCH….Who can I call?… Seriously?!?! This in not happening to me!!! I need a beer! SON OF A BITCH….Why me?!?!?… (Eyebrow girl’s image)  Do I not already have enough damn things to deal with?!?! What else can go wrong?

(pause to think about what else could go wrong) 

I closed my eyes and did the breathing thing and realized there were several worse things that could be happening.  As I sat there, just breathing I was able to list so many things that I am thankful for.  For starters, I am glad that this is on MY plate and not my either of my daughter’s.  I have survived cervical cancer.  (Im uterusless now if that’s a word)  I have MS and still manage to do ok.  I took the leap starting this blog and I am having alot of fun meeting new people.  While I’m not ready to scream I GOT THIS yet, and things may get worse before they get better.  I also know that This to shall pass, IF I keep breathing…. SON OF A BITCH.   (at least “eyebrow girls” image is making me laugh not want to be sick now)  and to be honest, I did go get my eyebrows waxed this morning just because not rectangular!!!!!