Tag: toxic relationship

The Finale is really only the beginning

~ msgracefulnot ~ 9 Comments

As I sat trying to figure out how I was going to move ALL of my belongings from a however many foot ranch with a full basement to a one bedroom “apartment” ( kind of) I felt like a teenager again.  My coffee pot is set up in the bathroom (to try to conserve space) but yah closer to where my desk will be set up?  I am trying to look at this as a fresh start where anything is possible.  Sure it’s scary, most new things are.

I am/was struggling with what material things need to come with me and which ones will go to storage.  But yah that will help me focus on what is most important to me?

The photo albums do have to come!

Actually I think I am going to start scrapbooking again as a healing tool.  Originally,  I started scrap booking ( more picture taking with LOTS of  journaling) for my children. In addition to being diagnosed with MS at 26, I was also diagnosed with cervical cancer AND my kidneys were being damaged because of my inability to urinate.  I was afraid that I was dying and no one would tell them the “whole story” about their mother.  I knew people would share the pedestal stories with them, but I also wanted them to know the one’s that I am not proud of, and about the personal struggles I faced.

photo albumI started making and filling photo albums, not only about my life but albums for each of my girls highlighting their birthdays, sports, Christmas parties, school events etc….who knew that I would end up with so many?!?!?!

I have scanned  most of the albums to disk and tried to give the actual books to my daughters, now that they have homes of their own, but they don’t want to store them.  They also will not let me throw them away….smh… Whoever said raising girls was easy, can kiss my ass!!!!!

To be honest, I don’t think I could throw them out either.

Ok so the photo albums are coming with me.  (This is only one load in the back of my car.)  The final deciding factor to bring them with though, is so that they will serve as a visual reminder for myself of all the things I have survived, and all of the good times I have had in my life for the days that I don’t feel strong enough.

 

The Elephant in the Room

~ msgracefulnot ~ 16 Comments

I have never really written about “the elephant in the room”  (My relationship with Einstein), because to call it complicated is a massive understatement.  Sure I’ve made passive aggressive remarks, such as calling him Einstein because he THINKS he knows it all, but I’ve never given a back story.

I have called Einstein many names over the years, the most recent name being Einstein.  I would like to talk a bit about other names I have used when referring to him as well.

The very FIRST NAME I ever called him was “OMG look at that GUY!”  (I was 13 years old and for me it was love at first sight.)  Over the years, I have called him honey, sweetie, baby, loml (love of my life), various bedroom names,  you name it.

More than my Baby Daddy.

When I was 17, he became my “baby daddy”…eww I hate that name, I don’t hate that he is Thing 1’s father, but the whole “baby daddy” thing doesn’t quite cover what he is or was to me.

As the years passed, the names I called him became less and less friendly…asshole, dipshit, HIS FULL NAME. and then finally my EX when we split.  (The first time, the second time, and maybe even the third time.)  Maybe by the 40th time we broke up, I think I just stuck with MY EX…. I don’t remember…the point is, we have been on and off again for 30 years.

We have been apart for years at a time.  I even had another child, got married, left my husband and again ended up with Einstein. All this time I have told myself that I do what I do because I love him.  All of  those years ago, I gave him my heart, and I don’t think I have ever gotten it back.

Our “current” back together has lasted for almost 7 years give or take a couple months if you count several days of not talking to or even being able to look at each other.

The problem is we are NOT good for each other, I daresay we are toxic to each other.  THERE I said the words…… so pack up and leave right?

Why isn’t it that simple?  Why do I make this so difficult?!?!?  I keep making excuses that I have no where to go.  I have too much shit to pack etc etc….well I will just wait until our daughter gets married.  Excuses excuses.  Logically I can say those words, they are just excuses Grace, so why does actually leaving make me paralyzed?!?!?

The thing is I do love him and I want him to be happy, but not at the expense of myself.  I have never imagined my life without him, and it scares me.  Actually it terrifies me.  But I am feeling it in my body.  I am feeling the effects that this roller coaster is causing in my ability to walk, to think, my sleep, and it has to stop.  I have started to view him as my Nemesis…..so here I am….

Packing My bags

As I begin to pack my bags, yet again, I wonder…. maybe he is an addiction? Maybe it’s not love after all.  Being with someone shouldn’t  drain you of all of your energy.  I am either on cloud 10 or I can barely move because I feel like my heart is broken and I can’t breathe.  Words like co dependent and narcissistic  seem to describe what I think/thought was love.  This has been “our song” for years… Pink True Love

Can I please get off this roller coaster now?