The Elephant in the Room

I have never really written about “the elephant in the room”  (My relationship with Einstein), because to call it complicated is a massive understatement.  Sure I’ve made passive aggressive remarks, such as calling him Einstein because he THINKS he knows it all, but I’ve never given a back story.

I have called Einstein many names over the years, the most recent name being Einstein.  I would like to talk a bit about other names I have used when referring to him as well.

The very FIRST NAME I ever called him was “OMG look at that GUY!”  (I was 13 years old and for me it was love at first sight.)  Over the years, I have called him honey, sweetie, baby, loml (love of my life), various bedroom names,  you name it.

More than my Baby Daddy.

When I was 17, he became my “baby daddy”…eww I hate that name, I don’t hate that he is Thing 1’s father, but the whole “baby daddy” thing doesn’t quite cover what he is or was to me.

As the years passed, the names I called him became less and less friendly…asshole, dipshit, HIS FULL NAME. and then finally my EX when we split.  (The first time, the second time, and maybe even the third time.)  Maybe by the 40th time we broke up, I think I just stuck with MY EX…. I don’t remember…the point is, we have been on and off again for 30 years.

We have been apart for years at a time.  I even had another child, got married, left my husband and again ended up with Einstein. All this time I have told myself that I do what I do because I love him.  All of  those years ago, I gave him my heart, and I don’t think I have ever gotten it back.

Our “current” back together has lasted for almost 7 years give or take a couple months if you count several days of not talking to or even being able to look at each other.

The problem is we are NOT good for each other, I daresay we are toxic to each other.  THERE I said the words…… so pack up and leave right?

Why isn’t it that simple?  Why do I make this so difficult?!?!?  I keep making excuses that I have no where to go.  I have too much shit to pack etc etc….well I will just wait until our daughter gets married.  Excuses excuses.  Logically I can say those words, they are just excuses Grace, so why does actually leaving make me paralyzed?!?!?

The thing is I do love him and I want him to be happy, but not at the expense of myself.  I have never imagined my life without him, and it scares me.  Actually it terrifies me.  But I am feeling it in my body.  I am feeling the effects that this roller coaster is causing in my ability to walk, to think, my sleep, and it has to stop.  I have started to view him as my Nemesis…..so here I am….

Packing My bags

As I begin to pack my bags, yet again, I wonder…. maybe he is an addiction? Maybe it’s not love after all.  Being with someone shouldn’t  drain you of all of your energy.  I am either on cloud 10 or I can barely move because I feel like my heart is broken and I can’t breathe.  Words like co dependent and narcissistic  seem to describe what I think/thought was love.  This has been “our song” for years… Pink True Love

Can I please get off this roller coaster now?

 

 

 

14 comments

  1. Grace, you are so brave; to write about this and to face it in the ways you are. Wouldn’t it be great, or easier anyway, if life had clear edges, if love were simple and easily defined? The more I read of your life, the more I admire you for your immense strength and honesty. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not quite sure what to say that floweringink hasn’t said. You have been very honest in sharing this, and as much as I wish there were some great piece of advice or insight I could offer, there isn’t. An incredibly difficult situation and relationship indeed, but you are smart, capable and assertive and you will find the best thing to do when the time is right. Sending my love and hugs your way… Caz xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. love sucks and wood chippers are on sale. Get them while it’s still cold out. Sorry, this is a tough one sometimes the heart and the head want different things. You’re pretty self-aware and real smart you’ll make the right call. But it’s ok to be torn it’s not easy

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  3. Oh love, this was one helluva ride for me, let alone for you. But, I totally know what you mean. Why do we and how can we love so much sb who drains us that much? What kind of an attraction is it? Maybe just that, an attraction along with a feeling we’re used to that person. Dependency.
    The bottom line is if it’s that toxic, choose another path, walk a different road. The feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, and desperation will eventually disappear and you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror again, this time a new, beautiful, confident, independent and wonderful Grace who CAN live on her own and who deserves better (all the happiness of the world).
    Hugs
    You know, any time…

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  4. When you give yourself so wholly to someone it is difficult to see the affect they have on You in mind and body. Maybe he is an addiction, you’ve given your life to him but you are you and putting yourself first is always hard to do.
    The physical action of packing up is just as hard on your body as the mental packing of all your feelings and emotions.
    You have to give yourself time, easier said than done I know. Please be kind to yourself, talk to those around you, those who care about you xxx

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  5. Oh my dear sweet friend, I am so sorry to hear about the terrible ride you have been on. Take it easy on yourself because stress is not going to be any good for your health. You deserve so much better than you have received, but now you can start to think about you and you only! Toxic relationships can be very addicting because we get so use to living for that relationship.
    The courage and emotion it took you to write this must have been hard enough, so now you need to relax. I do admire how strong you are and despite how it might seem right now, you will overcome this and feel so much better. Dependency is a horrible thing and I can speak from experience on this. So many people in my life have been dependent on me and it is stressful and SO unhealthy. You are starting a new chapter in your life and in time you will see this will be the best chapter yet. I am sending you much love and strength as you begin your new life, minus the jackass that has held you down. You are amazing and you have an amazing loving heart that deserves that in return.
    Funny thing is, I honestly thought that Einstein was your husband’s real name! Always here for you my dear!

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      1. Oh my goodness, I love my nickname!!! You know how much I love butterflies!!
        I am so glad your surgery went well yesterday and I hope you rested. Please take care today and enjoy your lunch with your friend. Much Love My Dear Sweet Friend!!!

        Liked by 1 person

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