Lately, I’ve been wearing a mask

As I began writing this, the original title was “I’m a hypocrite”, and something like I feel like a fraud.

The last couple of weeks have been hell!

For those of you that “know me” thank you for being understanding when I didn’t feel like talking.  Every time I opened my mouth, toxic shit came out of it.  When I tried NOT to open my mouth, I gave myself a migraine and had pain everywhere.

vicious circleThis is a vicious circle because after I say something mean or bitchy, then I have to apologize for being a bitch.  (Trust me I have to apologize, because it makes me feel like  a complete asshole when I can’t control my mouth or  my attitude.  Then,  I am so guilt ridden and and and. you get the point right?)

What do you mean last week was hell?

You posted multiple times last week, and they were all “silly” posts.  (Yah for the hidden power of scheduling your posts ahead of time)  To tell the truth, I spent most of the week crying, sleeping, or wanting to sleep.  When I woke up in the morning, if I had managed to sleep through the night, my body was on fire.  I had a migraine every single day, all day.

Saying “I’m fine” when you really are not

Instead of reaching out for a shoulder, I gave the typical “I’m fine” response.  I tried to make jokes, I tried to deflect.  I KNOW this is the WRONG way to deal, but it’s what I did.  Now I feel like a “fraud.”  ( I truly didn’t TRY to deceive, the posts were previously scheduled)  Many of you know that I’ve had a recent and tragic death in the family.  The grief was further exacerbated because I was going through slump week for my Tysabri infusion.

What I haven’t talked about is The Elephant in the Room.  After 30 years, I believe the Grace and Einstein roller coaster is out of commission and it’s hard, really fucking hard.  I am working on a piece called, The elephant in the room that may shed a bit of light on the REAL all time consuming issue in my life.

 

20 comments

  1. Thirty years? That’s gotta hurt.
    If you made jokes, if you deflected— so what? Perhaps you are conflating tact or discretion or self-protection with deception? It takes a lot of strength, and a little distance, to disclose. It sounds like you are still in thick of a hurricane of grief. I give you credit for mentioning the state you are in. And that ha ha blog post about Botox was a courageous one: that is my truth, too, but I’d never gotten around to posting it. So you are ahead of me, honestly.

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  2. Despite all You go through you still open your arms to others. If you write silly posts, write about issues affecting one and all then fair play. Maybe now is the time to think of you and the big elephant and get yourself through your surgery so we can have another international chat! Xx

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  3. Sometimes it helps to focus on the silly, it doesn’t make you a fraud. And sometimes we think if we tell ourselves everything is fine, maybe it will be true. I”m so sorry you are struggling right now but don’t beat yourself up. You are a genuine soul.

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  4. I get the ‘wearing a mask’ thing, it’s often the easiest response to say you’re fine rather than going in to how things really are. I’m so sorry you’ve had such an awful time lately and migraines every day sound awful (I get them a few times a month and that’s enough for me, so I can imagine what a nightmare it’s been). I just hope things are a little brighter for you this week. You can always feel free to drop me an email if ever you want to chat. We’re all here thinking of you and sending love your way 🙂
    Caz xx

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  5. Oh sweetie, I am sorry for your loss. I hate to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. 30 years is a long time and some years are so much worse than others. I am wishing only the best for you. You my dear deserve nothing but the best in life. I am sending you lots of love and support. Please know I am ALWAYS here for you ♡

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