I’m in a Hurry (and don’t know why)

I was talking with a friend the other day, and commented that I didn’t know how I had “made it” to 45.  She responded saying, “no shit, I don’t know how YOU did it either”.  (note she didn’t say WE, she said ME) That’s kind of sad don’t you think?  I mean, I have never fought in a war, saved someone from a burning building, or performed any other heroic act.  Yet, for most of my life I have lived in a constant state of fight or flight.  I have always raced to the next bullet point.  There was always something else that NEEDED to be done.

Have you ever heard the song, I’m in a Hurry by Alabama?  I swear they wrote it for me.

I’m tired.  I really am tired.

The thing is, I’m not done.  Far from it.  But I am learning that if I continue at the speed I have been going my whole life, I am going to burn out….quickly.

I have pretty much lived my life by this quote,

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”

Hunter S. Thompson,

While I do still believe this, maybe I don’t have to be in such a hurry to get there?

Being pretty immobile for the last month, while waiting for my foot to heal, has been a blessing in disguise. As I said before, Patience has never been my strong suit, but for my foot to heal successfully I needed to practice some.  I have spent my “downtime” looking for OTHER ways I could heal and become stronger as well.

On the physical side I am going to start with physical therapy.  That’s it.  No big get out there and  walk a mile a day again.  Baby steps.

I have also been reading and researching various diet or lifestyle changes.  Although I do hope to lose weight, my goal is more to reduce the inflammation in my body to see if I can reduce the number of medications I take.

On the Mental Side, not only did I reread all my posts from this last year but, I also took the time to relive the excitement of my daughter’s wedding.  I allowed myself time to dream about all the things I want to do with my future grandchildren.  Most importantly, though I finally allowed myself to grieve all of the tragedies of last year.  This isn’t to say I am done grieving, more that I have slowed down enough to let myself feel the pain, I had been running from.

It’s kind of cool that even though I thought recovery time from surgery was going to be unbearable and a bunch of lost time I would have to make up for, instead it forced me to pace myself, and I was still very productive.

I’m a work in progress! 🙂

S L O W L Y

but getting stronger every day!

 

 

 

We must have a bad connection

It’s so easy to tell people “don’t over do it”, “take it easy”, “slow down”, or “don’t worry”.  I know it’s easy to say, because I tell people those things all the time too.

My brain tells my mouth to say it, and words come out.  For some reason though, my ears do not pass the message on to my brain.  (or something like that)  Something is definitely NOT working, the dots are not connecting….. smh

“Don’t over do it”, translates to

  • your pain is manageable today, you better get that done while you can
  • you don’t know WHEN you are going to feel this way again, so do it NOW!!!
  • fucking MS  smh
  • but you are SO close to being finished, just do one more?!?!?

“Take it Easy” translates to

  • It’s ONLY laundry, how hard could this be?
  • I will only make ONE phone call (never mind that you are going to spend an hour on the phone waiting for a live person)
  • or getting “pissed off” because NOTHING FEELS easy….grrrr

“Slow Down”, starts the process of

  • but there is so much to do
  • never enough time
  • but RIGHT NOW I feel OK

PART of it is MS, part of it is my personality.  I HAVE to make the MOST of each day!  I HAVE to feel like I am contributing SOMETHING to the world, instead of being a burden!  Some days though, I’m just bored or “stuck in a rut”  I feel that pushing myself and pushing my limits will make me FEEL more alive.

I take the GPS estimated time of arrival as a time trial challenge.

time to beat

So for those of you that also struggle with this “disconnect”, how do you manage this?  How do you “slow down” and not overdo it?  How do you try to “save” your energy for later?

I have heard (and said) that I should Prioritize and focus on One thing at a time.  Ok, here goes, my main goal is to be able to Walk down the aisle at my daughter’s wedding next weekend.  My eye is on the prize so to speak.  I have set up my week with one thing each day and tried to space the “working days” in between the “recovery days”.

Monday

I have my Tysabri infusion at 9 am.  Because I know that I will be “wiped out” for the rest of the day, my mom is coming out to drive me and take me home afterwards.  That’s it!  That’s my whole day.

Tuesday

I am installing 5 electrical outlets in my house.  Since most of my furniture is just kind of piled in the center of the rooms, now is the time to do it.  While I have pulled wires, and connected outlets for years, I do still need help.  My dad is available to help me before his surgery, which has been rescheduled for March 20th, so now is the time.  Unfortunately, this will involve some more climbing in my attic.  Definitely a Working day.

Wednesday

I am getting my nails done for my daughter’s wedding.  I haven’t done this in years, but if memory serves we correctly, it is a somewhat “lengthy process”, meaning forced RELAXATION time.  If I am able to “lose the boot” as planned, maybe even a pedicure?

Thursday

One Doctor’s appointment with my chiropractor to try to adjust any “damage” I might have caused my body over the week.  I have to pack for the out of town trip and that’s it.

Friday

Out of town for the wedding!!!!!

So there it is.  I have prioritized.  I have planned minimally, allowing myself several rest breaks, and I have “my eye on the prize”  Wish me luck?

 

 

 

Will I ever learn?

Will I ever learn patience or to slow down?

Nope, probably not.  (Hey don’t shoot me, I’m being honest here)  My whole life I have struggled with patience, and I have always been “in a hurry”.  When My MS is at it’s worst though, my body won’t allow me to be impatient or in a hurry, and when I  try to, I get hurt.

Yes I got hurt again 😦

I got hurt, but I’m not dead.  I will explain what happened in just a moment, and you can even “yell” at me if you think it will help, but first let me explain, well try to explain why I did it.

So I wrote the other day that a trailer “fell into my lap”.  I had help for a couple hours, I moved what I set out to do and that’s all I was going to do.  My dad told me that since he thought he was having surgery the trailer was free for a couple weeks, and I might as well  have the kids drop it at Einstein’s since he wouldn’t be using it.  (That way I could take a “slow and steady approach” to loading it.)  Thing 2 and her boyfriend “D” dropped the trailer off in Einstein’s driveway for me, when they were done moving the bikes.

Just because I am proud of my daughter I took a video of her backing the trailer in.  This is funny to me because “D” doesn’t “trust her” to drive HIS Truck, but knows she is better at backing up a trailer than he is….That’s MY GIRL!!!!   but I digress….

BUT THEN….

The temperature changed, not just the outside weather temperature, but the temperature in Einstein’s house wasn’t as frigid.   I will write more about that another time and in another place, ( I think a new blog is coming ) but the verbal knives weren’t flying anymore and I started “getting cold feet” about leaving, so I HAD TO GO.

Einstein had been complaining about where the trailer was parked, and had even tried to move it by hand….  I did not say out loud “THAT”S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN”….but it did inspire me to make a call….

There was help available. A young man that I had friended a year or two ago while I was taking classes, was willing to help me move.  We will call him “J”. (He said, “Hell I’ve got a truck, trailer, and plenty of friends”)  just pick a day.  That’s something that I would say, not something I am used to hearing so….ok “How about NOW?” came out of my mouth.

and that’s how it all began……

When you have help you take it!!!!  “BUT don’t you EVER take help without working your ass off just as hard as the person who is giving you help!!!!”  This one I think was literally beat into my ass as a kid, so no way is it going away anytime soon.

Einstein was NOT happy that I was having a “DATE” (as he called it ) over to help me move, so it was only “J” and no friends.  Einstein moved most of my furniture to the doorway in preparation.  (Did I mention a new blog coming soon?….when I don’t live in HIS house)

20180225_101320

So the trailer was quickly loaded, and my car was filled, and off I went.  Almost all of my furniture that can not be strategically shoved in my car has been “deposited” in my new place.  (Of course it wasn’t until I had set up my big comfy couch that I realized there is no electricity run to the wall of the west side of the “living room”)  But that is another story for a different day.

So what did I do?

I worked my ass off!!!!….and then some….I THOUGHT I broke my foot again.  I remember the doctor saying, “this is going to hurt a bit”, as he stuck a needle in my foot.  There was quite a bit of pain.  (enough to make me vomit and then pass out)  His orders were keep it elevated and iced all day.  Back in the boot or use your wheelchair for one week…and of course take these drugs.  I give in, not up, but I give in…for now.

The “moral” of the story is I did what needed to be done and now my body says IT’S done.  I didn’t PURPOSELY over do it or rush.  It’s so hard not to “overdo it” when you ARE feeling well, considering you KNOW that the “NOT feeling well” is just around the corner.

Lately, I’ve been wearing a mask

As I began writing this, the original title was “I’m a hypocrite”, and something like I feel like a fraud.

The last couple of weeks have been hell!

For those of you that “know me” thank you for being understanding when I didn’t feel like talking.  Every time I opened my mouth, toxic shit came out of it.  When I tried NOT to open my mouth, I gave myself a migraine and had pain everywhere.

vicious circleThis is a vicious circle because after I say something mean or bitchy, then I have to apologize for being a bitch.  (Trust me I have to apologize, because it makes me feel like  a complete asshole when I can’t control my mouth or  my attitude.  Then,  I am so guilt ridden and and and. you get the point right?)

What do you mean last week was hell?

You posted multiple times last week, and they were all “silly” posts.  (Yah for the hidden power of scheduling your posts ahead of time)  To tell the truth, I spent most of the week crying, sleeping, or wanting to sleep.  When I woke up in the morning, if I had managed to sleep through the night, my body was on fire.  I had a migraine every single day, all day.

Saying “I’m fine” when you really are not

Instead of reaching out for a shoulder, I gave the typical “I’m fine” response.  I tried to make jokes, I tried to deflect.  I KNOW this is the WRONG way to deal, but it’s what I did.  Now I feel like a “fraud.”  ( I truly didn’t TRY to deceive, the posts were previously scheduled)  Many of you know that I’ve had a recent and tragic death in the family.  The grief was further exacerbated because I was going through slump week for my Tysabri infusion.

What I haven’t talked about is The Elephant in the Room.  After 30 years, I believe the Grace and Einstein roller coaster is out of commission and it’s hard, really fucking hard.  I am working on a piece called, The elephant in the room that may shed a bit of light on the REAL all time consuming issue in my life.