Month: October 2017

Waiting for test results

~ msgracefulnot ~ Leave a comment

Today I’m here with another random unedited rant. Waiting for test results. I have been trying to keep myself busy doing random things around the house, but in the instructions for the biopsy I am not allowed to do housework, or other repetitive actions. Heh. I also have had to keep this very tight fitting bra on since the procedure. Wearing a bra in itself is uncomfortable, but mine is filled with ice (also on the recovery list), and since I can’t actually do anything (see restrictions) all I can think about is how I want to take this damn thing off. Kind of like when you have to fast for bloodwork, you are hungrier than you have ever been in your life. Or when you were a kid and your sibling would hover their hand above your arm and you screamed “Mom make them stop touching me”, but they weren’t actually touching you?
Speaking of food, I could go eat. I’m not fasting, but I’m also not hungry. See the funny there? It would also defeat my goal for losing weight….. hmmm what else? Bills are paid, laundry, dishes, etc, are done. I tried to watch more word press videos, and to read a bit, but I can’t concentrate…DAMN BRA!!!!
I’ve done good staying off of Dr. Google, so I shouldn’t sit at the computer too long. I still don’t want to call anyone because I don’t have answers yet….. I’ve got it back to the X stitch goal.
Hope everyone has a good day. Friday the 13th has been a favorite day of mine for many years as Good things usually happen to me on that day (whether I know it or not at the time) For example, I found out I was pregnant with both of my daughters on Friday, December 13th. Being young and single on those days did not make it good news, but considering they are the best things that ever happened to me I will take it as good news.
End rant

Just Breathe… Practice what you preach

~ msgracefulnot ~ Leave a comment

Now that I have finally sat down again and am literally too exhausted to move, I have decided on a topic for today.  I had errands like crazy this morning and was trying to fit everything I had planned on doing on Thursday and Friday into today.  For what possible reason would a sane person try to fit 3 days worth of “chores” into one?  I may not be sane, but that isn’t point right now.

Tomorrow, I am having two biopsies on my Breast with a procedure known as Ultrasound- Guided Breast Biopsy.  I have had two mammograms that caused the technicians to give me that “I feel so sorry for you frown” and an ultrasound of my breast by “eyebrow girl”.  I don’t know her name or what expression she made because I was trying not to throw up in my mouth at her eyebrows.  People PAY to have this done?!?!?

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People PAY to have this done?!?!?

The following are my instructions for tomorrow:instructions

Hmmmmm…. I probably should bring a friend, but I have decided against it. Those well-meaning but still worried facial expressions that friends/family and apparently nurses can give are my undoing.  ( I call them the pity face or I’m so sorry and I have no clue what to say face).  But I digress….

What I actually want to write about is the expression that I always tell everyone and myself when they are nervous, scared, or waiting for test results….. JUST BREATHE.  I’m not talking about meditation. (Although I have heard that works).  I am talking about closing your eyes and taking a deep breath in through your nose and blowing out through your mouth.  TRY IT!

Close your eyes and Take a deep Breath, In through your nose and out through your mouth.  It really does help, if you take the time.

I know that breathing isn’t going to “fix” whatever is going on with me, but I do know that not breathing will not help and will probably cause a panic attack.

When I left the hospital with my instruction card, I sat in my car having a blender of crazy/ random thoughts including: Look up the warnings for breast cancer….DO NOT LOOK UP THE WARNINGS….Dr. Google is scary….SON OF A BITCH….Who can I call?… Seriously?!?! This in not happening to me!!! I need a beer! SON OF A BITCH….Why me?!?!?… (Eyebrow girl’s image)  Do I not already have enough damn things to deal with?!?! What else can go wrong?

(pause to think about what else could go wrong) 

I closed my eyes and did the breathing thing and realized there were several worse things that could be happening.  As I sat there, just breathing I was able to list so many things that I am thankful for.  For starters, I am glad that this is on MY plate and not my either of my daughter’s.  I have survived cervical cancer.  (Im uterusless now if that’s a word)  I have MS and still manage to do ok.  I took the leap starting this blog and I am having alot of fun meeting new people.  While I’m not ready to scream I GOT THIS yet, and things may get worse before they get better.  I also know that This to shall pass, IF I keep breathing…. SON OF A BITCH.   (at least “eyebrow girls” image is making me laugh not want to be sick now)  and to be honest, I did go get my eyebrows waxed this morning just because not rectangular!!!!!

Don’t try this at home!

~ msgracefulnot ~ Leave a comment

I have been sitting here for an hour trying to start writing about MS.  I don’t have writer’s block, I have too many topics that I can’t focus on just one.  I’ve reviewed my pre-written list of Ramblings, and instead of selecting one, I’ve added 20 more.  While this is good for the future, it’s not what I want to do right now, so I have sat and stared at the screen literally for an hour.  Thankfully? I have places I have to be today and can’t continue to sit here for another hour.

The first place I have to go this morning is to the Eye doctor, SILLY DOCTOR gave me BIFOCALS last time, which in hindsight is utterly ridiculous for a person with MS. (I watch the ground when I walk, because I can’t feel my feet).  It’s not justified, but I am a bit upset with said doctor for not thinking of that considering they watched me walk in and out of their office several times.  Why didn’t they warn me?

I did admit that my upset is unjustified (doesn’t change the fact that it is there though).  It was MY mistake.  While I did notice my issues when leaving the doctor that first day, I thought I could manage and learn to deal with it.

Yeah Grace add another thing to your list of “deal with it”?!?!?

 I think I mentioned before that I make a lot of mistakes, and I believe that is ok as long as you learn from them.  In my case, it took me not one, not two, but 3 WIPEOUTS before I came to the conclusion that I REALLY, REALLY need new glasses.

Did I mention a person with walking and balance issues should NOT wear bifocals?!?!?

A PERSON WITH WALKING AND BALANCE ISSUES SHOULD NEVER WEAR BIFOCALS!!!!!

A PERSON WITH WALKING AND BALANCE ISSUES SHOULD NEVER WEAR BIFOCALS!!!!!

A PERSON WITH WALKING AND BALANCE ISSUES SHOULD NEVER WEAR BIFOCALS!!!!!

Well as they say, 3rd time is a charm?  Please learn from my experience and DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME!!

I do hope to post about MS later today…wish me luck?

MS Multiple Sclerosis Diagnosis

~ msgracefulnot ~ 6 Comments

Many people that have been diagnosed with MS can look back in their lives and identify times that they had MS symptoms long before they were diagnosed with the disease.  When I tell my story though, I am only speaking about the events directly leading up to my diagnosis.  In hindsight, I can tell you that I am grateful for the way things played out, but I certainly wasn’t when it was happening to me.

I was at work and a coworker friend of mine was kicking the back of my knee with her foot as we were walking down the hall.  I don’t remember how many times she did it, or how many times I avoided tripping, but I do remember the one I went down on.  Not only had I torn my nylons, but two fingers in my left hand went numb within the hour.  It seemed strange, since I don’t remember landing on my fingers, but I shrugged it off.  There were more important things to think about like how was I going to get even with Michelle for bruising my pride.  I went to sleep that night, figuring the numbness would go away in the morning and didn’t give it a second thought. When I woke up the next morning my entire left hand was numb, and by noon from my fingertips to the middle of my forearm was numb.   Over the next few days the numbness continued to spread up the rest of my arm and down the left side of my body to my left knee.

Call to the doctor

The order of events that happened next are kind of a blur to me.  Maybe because they happened so quickly, maybe because I was terrified and tried to block them out, maybe because they happened almost 20 years ago.  Within a week my doctor ordered Evoked Response tests, 3 MRI’s, a spinal tap, and enough bloodwork to save a nation.  Then the call came.  “We need you to come into our office to discuss your test results, TODAY.

As I type this, the hairs on my arm are beginning to stand up, and I can feel my breath catching in my throat.  I don’t remember the words she used to tell me I had Multiple Sclerosis.  I remember the silence that followed and the hopeless and pitiful looks she and her nurse were giving me.  Somehow the numbness that I had been feeling during the past week seemed to take over my brain and my emotions.  (pun intended).  The doctor ordered a course of steroids for me and gradually I started to regain feeling in the reverse order that I had lost it.  First my trunk, then my chest and shoulder, and eventually my arm except for my left hand which is still numb.

As I mentioned earlier that was almost 20 years ago, but that is where it started for me.  In the last 2 decades I have learned and experienced so many things due to this disease that I think may be helpful to share with others.  Living with MS is not new to me, but blogging is.  If you’re willing join me on this new adventure of mine, please follow the blog, or Look me up on Facebook. Grace Fullnot (same picture I use here) If you do add me on facebook, please send me a short message saying “Hi”, I saw your blog, or something to that effect, so that I know you aren’t a robot.

If you are reading this because you have MS or think you might, please know that yes it can be scary, it’s ok to be mad, but it really is NOT the end of the world! There are many resources out there to help you with this!!!!!!

Personal Goals

~ msgracefulnot ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I feel like my brain is a blender, random thoughts going around at high speeds so that I can’t focus on any one thing.  To combat the craziness, and try to slow my thoughts down, I write notes everywhere: on my phone, on post- its, in any number of notebooks….I call them Ramblings.  I do believe the actual ACT of writing things down, does help to slow things down a bit.

I have spent the last week gathering all of my Ramblings, and compiling them all into one GINORMOUS list.  After having a minor (ok it was major) panic attack.  I have chosen a few items to focus on during the rest of the month.  You have to start somewhere right?

My focus for the month of October:

  1. Losing weight and improving my health
  2. Continuing to learn WordPress and webpage design
  3. Cleaning out my closet ( finishing something that I started a long time ago)

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Losing weight – The goal is to weigh less than 150 lbs by the end of October.  I plan to follow the Grapefruit Diet at least 2 of the 3 days out of each week, drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water a day, and to walk everyday with my ultimate goal of being able to walk a mile a day.  (I’m still pondering if the goal is one mile without taking a break or just walking at LEAST a mile every day but I figure some movement is better than none right?

Continuing to learn wordpress– I WANTED to make this a page.  I think that’s what is called.  I wanted to make a link to this in the bookmark bar with a child page? of October goals maybe post my status or results?  I haven’t learned how to do that yet, so that simple feature is my goal for this month. Oh yeah and how to move pictures and headings around, I’m still playing with that.

xstitch goal

Cleaning out my closet– I own 4 of these seasonal cross stitch patterns, one for each season.  I used to do cross stitch a lot while waiting at doctors appointments and when I was in the wheelchair to try to keep my mind busy with something other than feeling sorry for myself.  Since I have been more active, they have lived in a shoebox.  It seems sad to let all the time and money I spent on them to go to waste, so I pulled out the Autumn one and made the goal to finish the part I TRIED to outline ( somehow I ended up with an eraser to do it but it will work for my purpose) shrug.

I believe that making goals, even if they a small goals is a positive start.  I don’t want to make a tremendous list and set myself up to fail.  So I have baby steps on making a few areas of my life more manageable.  Wish me luck?!