I do all my own stunts, though not intentionally

I would tell you to grab a bowl of popcorn before reading my latest drama, but if you are anything like me, you would choke on it from laughing too much.   I would suggest kleenex if you’re the sympathetic type, but to be honest I have done enough crying for all of us in the past few days.  Instead, I ask that you find humor in my latest  WTF story. If you’re willing to, please share one of your wtf’s with me.  I could really use a laugh.

I mentioned briefly in my last post, It’s certainly been a minute huh?, that I had been taking more of the caretaker role lately and that although I had had a couple more falls, they really hadn’t been anything out of the norm.  For some reason my brain translated this information into, “You should go big or go home Grace”, or “let’s really create some damage”.  As it happens, I now have quite the story of my own to tell…..SMH

Where to begin though……….

In the middle!  Let’s jump right in the middle.

So hey guess what…. I’m not pregnant!!!!!  Yay me?

I’m actually kind of sad about that, not because I want anymore children, but because after the lawsuit or news stories, I would be as rich as midas.  Are you confused yet?  So am I.  Maybe this story would be better told with less sarcasm?  Let’s go back to December 4, 2019.

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

I am sitting up on a hospital bed answering the 1000 pre op questions I have been asked before, like it’s just another day. ( After more than 50 surgeries, it does feel just like any other day).

Nurse: I’m going to need a urine sample, and then we will get your IV started.

Grace:  For a pregnancy test?  No need, I had a hysterectomy over 15 years ago.

Nurse:  Was it a total hysterectomy?  I mean did they remove your ovaries also.

Grace: Um no but……

Nurse:  Then we still need to do the test.  While the chances are like 1 in a million, it can still happen.

As I am thinking, “Have you met me?!?!?!?  I am the queen of being 1 in a million”, it dawns on me that next Friday is Friday the 13th, and I start to feel sick.  Not because I am superstitious, but because I have two children. I found out I was pregnant with both of them on Friday, December 13th.  ( 1990 and 1996)

It really doesn’t matter that multiple nurses blew my veins multiple times trying to start an IV.  (I have a port for that reason)  It doesn’t matter that the anesthesia they were trying to use didn’t knock me out for 15 mins.  (Burned like hell, but wouldn’t put me out)  It doesn’t even matter that although the doctor was able to repair a lot of the damage in my knee, I am still going to need a partial knee replacement…..

At least I wasn’t pregnant.  SMH

Want to take a break and come back in a minute?  Believe it or not, I’m not even halfway done with this WTF story.

I spent the rest of the week in bed with my knee above my head attached to an ice machine.  I was able to walk (slowly) within a couple days and the pain was minimal.  I was even able to drive to Einstein’s within the week.

Friday the 13th came and went.   I am still not pregnant!!!  So life is good right?

HA HA HA HA

Saturday, Friday the 14th

Maybe I am a little superstitious, but not about the 13th.  I have had several bad experiences on Saturday the 14th (any month) that have even included being arrested.  Yes I have been arrested before, but that’s a whole different story, which ironically does have to do with me getting pregnant.  :O  Let’s stick with this Saturday the 14th though.

I am leaving the kitchen at Einstein’s and I kick or trip over the 1 inch lip at the bottom of the dog gate.  Oh Fuck, I know I am going down…. NOT MY KNEE NOT MY KNEE!!!!!!

The good news….. I didn’t land on my knee.

The not so good news ……I can’t get up.

While going to get my wheelchair from the other room, Einstein jokes, “why did you put this away already?”  NOT FUNNY!  I am in so much pain, I start to cry.  I really can’t stand up.  Einstein had to pick me up to put my in the chair.

High Ho, High Ho, off to the doctor we go……. smh

Before scrolling down, care to guess the diagnosis?

1214191421

While waiting for the xrays to come back, I am imagining the worst.  foot-top

Did I fuck up last years surgery on this foot?

(You know the one where they put a plate and screws in my right foot?)

Earlier this year, I fell while holding my grandson and broke the lag bolt while trying not to hurt him…

BREAKER OF TITANIUM….

not quite as cool as Mother of Dragons, but applicable nonetheless.

 

Ready for the verdict?

I broke the 3rd and 4th metatarsals.  (the long bones in the middle of your foot)  I don’t remember the terminology  “the breaks appear to be clean”.  With luck I am in a non weight bearing cast for a couple of months and that is it.  I see the orthopedic doctor on Thursday to see if the swelling has gone down enough for a hard cast and hear his opinion about surgery.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me.  I am truly feeling that if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.  But hey at least I’m not pregnant?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

22 thoughts on “I do all my own stunts, though not intentionally

  1. Wow, Grace, you have really been through it this year, haven’t you???!!!! I’m sorry to hear about your latest escapades….. I’m with Wendi – we might have to wrap you in bubble wrap. We’ll make it stylish, at least. 😁 I hope you heal quickly and are able to avoid more injury. Sending some gentle hugs your way sweet friend!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. The feeling is mutual Grace! I’ve been doing well, thanks. It’s been a busy few weeks around here and I’m playing catch-up with everyone’s blogs. I hope the rest of your year is filled with joy, peace, and healing. Blessings to you!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh geeez. 😦 Since you asked… when I was three I was hit head on by a car … fast forward to my release after a six week hospital stay and I have a cute little accessory known as a body cast. The cast came with a rubber stopper on the heel. What three year old could resist twirling around the kitchen on said stopper, not me. As I begin my ballerina twirl, my mom yells to me, with panic in her eyes, Stop you’ll fall. I fell, hard. And broke my arm. This led to my mom being investigated for child abuse. 😳 Poor mama. So then I had a fancy body cast and a sling because they never could cast the arm (too much weight). Hope that gave you a chuckle! Sincerely hoping your pain levels are okay, I can see your humor is still in tact and honestly sometimes that’s the most important part. 🌺

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s the dog gate’s fault! I’m glad your knee didn’t fall victim this time but ouch… when you do something you really do go all out, Ms Breaker of Titanium. Great timing too with Christmas right around the corner. But hey, this means you have to be waiting on hand and, er, foot. Sod losing weight. It’s the festive season. Gaining is pretty much an obligatory occurrence. You need rest. And to stay the hell away from dog gates and anything that doesn’t involve you being wrapped in 10 layers of bubble wrap with the word ‘fragile’ taped across it. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, it also sounds increeeeedibly painful. But you certainly get some incredible stories out of your misadventures!  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right?!? My initial thought was, “sure so you can charge me 150$ for a pregnancy test?”. (I’ve been billed $8.00 for a Tylenol while in the hospital so I wouldn’t be surprised) I did spend some time googling it and some sites say yes you can, but I never did find the answer to where it would be “stored”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was watching some wildlife show and there’s a fish where the male stores the babies in his mouth until they’re big enough to face the world. I suppose you could try that, although I don’t think he does it for nine long months.

        Liked by 1 person

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